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-WHEN A 

FELLER NEEDS A 

FRIEND" 

H flMa^ in Gbree Hcts 

BY 

HARVEY O'HIGGINS 

AND 

HARRIET FORD 



Written for the benefit of the 

War Orphans of the Allies 

i iile from "Briggs" of the New York Tribune 

Sung, "Marching to Berlin" — Words by Oliver Herford. 

Music by R. Hugo. 

Produced under the direction of 

George Henry Trader 



Copyright, 1918, by Harvey O'Higgins and 
Harriet Ford 

Copyright, 1920, by Harvey O'Higgins and 
Harriet Ford 



-WHEN A 

FELLER NEEDS A 

FRIEND" 

H flMap in Gbree Hcte 

BY 

HARVEY O'HIGGINS 

AND 

HARRIET FORD 



Written for the benefit of the 

War Orphans of the Allies 

Title from "Briggs" of the New York Tribune 

Song, "Marching to Berlin" — Words by Oliver Herford. 

Music by R. Hugo. 

Produced under the direction of 

George Henry Trader 



Copyright, 1918, by Harvey O'Higgins and 
Harriet Ford 

Copyright, 1920, by Harvey O'Higgins and 
Harriet Ford 



< 






* 



K) 



S 



Copyright by 
Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford, 1918 

(On account of the Government's indorsement of this 
play, it is necessary to stipulate that it shall not be 
altered nor added to at any performance.) 



Copyright, 1920, by 
Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford 



Ocld 55977 

NOV -8 



X 



FOREWORD 

The production of "When a Feller Needs a 
Friend," it was generally agreed, was one of the 
surest and most satisfactory of plans for propa- 
ganda and war-relief that the world brought into 
being. And though the armistice was declared just 
before the New York performance of the play was 
given, enough money was earned at this perform- 
ance for the adoption and maintenance of a large 
number of war orphans. 

The comedy was written for use by amateur or- 
ganizations, societies, schools, colleges, lodges, 
churches, clubs, with the idea of first having a New 
York performance and then printing the play for 
production throughout the United States, free of 
royalty, the only condition being that the profits 
from such productions be given for the adoption 
of war orphans. 

The enterprise was originally undertaken by the 
New York branch of the Stage Women's War Re- 
lief and the opening production in New York at the 
New Amsterdam Theatre, given on Sunday, De- 
cember i, 191 8, surpassed all expectation in the 
heartiness and enthusiasm of the support it drew. 

The All-Star Cast whose names appear all gave 
their services generously, no less than did the au- 
thors, directors, managers, printers and every one 
else connected with the production. 

With the end of the war the play was turned over 
to "The Oasis," the newest of New York women's 
clubs, which now controls it. Already the reaction, 

3 



4 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

inevitable at first, against war subjects, is dying 
out, and "The Oasis" feels that a great field is 
open, by means of this play, to help and relieve 
war orphans whose need remains, even though the 
war is over. It is with that object that "The 
Oasis" is now publishing this sparkling comedy and 
looks for a wide production on amateur stages 
throughout the country. 

For rights and terms of production, address 

The Plav Committee, "The Oasis," 

19 East 4?th Street, New York City. 



LETTERS OF INDORSEMENT 

The White House, Washington. 

This play, "When a Feller Needs a Friend," has been 
contributed, free of royalties, by the authors, and will be 
produced first in New York by leading actors who will 
donate their services. 

Arrangements will then be made for its presentation, 
free of cost, in every part of the country under the aus- 
pices of local charitable associations, fraternal orders, 
amateur dramatic associations, etc. 

It is a novel idea that promises a very high degree of 
effectiveness, and I am glad to give it my heartiest ap- 
proval and support. 

(Signed) Woodrow Wilson. 

* * * * 

The Secretary of State, Washington. 

This undertaking is unique and its success must be great. 
I am sure that "When a Feller Needs a Friend" will meet 
with the same generous response which has characterized 
the American spirit throughout the war. I warmly com- 
mend it. 

(Signed) Robert Lansing. 

* * * * 

The Secretary of the Interior, Washington. 

I thoroughly indorse the effort which is to be made to 
raise money for the orphans of the Allies through the 
production of the play, "When a Feller Needs a Friend." 
The hearts of all of us have been touched by the awful 
days through which these poor children have gone and 
are going, and we need no stimulus to urge us to do what 
we can to help them. 

(Signed) Franklin K. Lane. 

* * * * 

The Secretary of the Navy, Washington. 

All America is concerned with the care and comfort of 
those orphaned by war in the fight for free nations, and 
I am happy that leading actors, who have responded gen- 
erously in every way during the war, will present "When 

5 



6 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

a Feller Needs a Friend" for the benefit of those inno- 
cent sufferers of the world tragedy. 

(Signed) Joseph us Daniels. 

* * * * 

Those of us who are benefiting, and will benefit, from 
the sacrifices made by the men who have stopped and 
beaten back the enemy should not now forget the debt we 
owe them, and the greater debt we owe those that they 
left behind. They laid down their lives for us and we 
must support and cherish those whom they are no longer 
able to protect. 

"When a Feller Needs a Friend" is aptly named because 
those for whose benefit the play is projected never needed 
friends more than they do now. 

(Signed) Bernard M. Baruch. 

* * * * 

Executive Chamber, State of New York. 

I wish you every success in this undertaking, appreciat- 
ing as I do the splendid work of the Stage Women's War 
Relief in connection with the war relief activities. Your 
unselfish labors in behalf of the sale of Liberty Bonds 
was one of the inspiring features of the Liberty Loan 
campaign in New York City. 

(Signed) Charles Whitman. 

* * * * 

District Attorney's Office, New York City. 

I consider the Stage Women's War Relief a most effi- 
cient and excellent organization, and am glad to indorse 
the plan for the production of a war play, entitled "When 
a Feller Needs a Friend," to be given for spreading war 
propaganda and for raising money to help the war or- 
phans of the Allies. 

This plan has my hearty approval, and my best wishes 
for its success. 

(Signed) Edward Swann. 



ORIGINAL ALL-STAR CAST 

In order of their appearance 

Fairfax, colored butler at the Pryors' 

Maclyn Arbuckle 

Augusta, John Pryor's sister Florine Arnold 

John Pryor, a Hoover war- worker. .Tim Murphy 

Janet, John Pryor's daughter Charlotte Walker 

Margaret Russell, a Washington widow 

Viola Allen 

Jarvis, her son Richard Barbee 

Oliver Cromwell Nutley, a war crank 

O. P. Heggie 
Charlotte, Fairfax's wife, cook at the Pryors' 

Helen Westley 
Captain Everett, in Military Intelligence 

Emmett Corrigan 
Katherine Knowles, a girl Jack left behind him 

Janet Beecher 
Jack, John Pryor's son, a Pershing veteran 

Shelley Hull 

Victor Fontaine, a Blue Devil Paul Doucet 

First Expressman William Collier 

Second Expressman A. E. Anson 

Boy Scout (Man in Barrel) Clare Briggs 

Scene — Living-room at the Pryor's in Washington 

7 



Property Plot 
ACT I 
Well- furnished living room in Washington. 

Parquet floor cloth. 

Large rug. 

Six small rugs. Long runner for hall.- 

Hangings at doors c, and on window L. in cre- 
tonne. 

Shades at window. 

Padded window seat to fit window l. covered with 
cretonne. 

Small grand piano r. with bench. 

Sofa r.c. against piano. 

Library table l. 

Large, low-back armchair l. of table L. 

Three other chairs at table l., and stool or back- 
less seat, at upper l. corner of table for Janet. 

Arm chair r. of c.d. and at L.I., and a high-backed 
attractive chair l. of CD. 

Small table up l.c. 

Chair r. of small table up L.c. 

Fireplace l. above window, with brass screen, 
and andirons. 

Fender seat above front of fireplace. 

Clock and brass candle-sticks on mantel over fire- 
place. 

Portrait or large picture over it. 

Music cabinet at R.2. 

Bookcases well filled at walls r. and l. at back. 

Music on piano. 

8 



w 






"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 9 

Six cushions, for sofa, window seat and arm 
chairs. 

Carved bench in hall. 

Oil painting for hall. 

Four pieces of drapery for tables and piano. 

Shaded piano lamp r. above piano. 

Two shaded lamps, one for hall table and one for 
small table up l.c. 

Electric light brackets. 

Library writing set on table l. with pens, etc. 

Books in rack on piano. 

Pictures. 

Six extra books on table. 

Two photographs in easel frames on mantel. 

Six magazines on table l. 

*Three Washington afternoon papers for June, 
1918. (Large headlines for Fairfax.) 

Four cotton towels (new) for Augusta. 

Prop, table off r.c. 

Chairs for company off r. and L. 

Open telegram for Pryor. 

Four flags about 10 by 20 inches, American — 
English — French — Italian, on short sticks, on piano. 

Small set of same flags on a stand on piano. 

Telephone on table, l. 

Tea for four on tray, silver service. 

Pot of newly made tea. 

Lump sugar in low bowl with tongs. 

Cream in creamer. 

Four teacups with spoons. 

Plate of assorted cakes on a napkin. 

Small pitcher of hot water. 

Plate of newly made corn bread for Charlotte 
off R.3. 

Pocketbook for Captain, containing three letters 
— folded twice, written on thin, foreign paper. 

One heavier sheet of paper, folded differently 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" u 

Cigarettes and matches in case for Jarvis. 
Coin for Pryor. 

ACT I 

Light Plot 



Daylight. 

FOOTS : 

i row amber and rose. 
I row frosted white. 
i row blue. 



Foots, dead, 8 ft. at 
each end. 



ist BORDER : "1 i row, frosted white. 

and >■ i row, amber and rose. 

3rd BORDER : J 1 row, blue. 

ist border, dead, 4 ft. from boxing. 

Long, white and amber strips, r. and l. of c. door, 
or over it. (These strips to work with 3rd border 
when lamp on table in hall is put out in ACT II.) 

Amber and white strip at door R.3. 

No strip r.i. 

1,000 Watt lamp, pale amber frosted, at win- 
dow L. 

Brackets to suit handsome, dark interior. 
(Out in this ACT.) 

Switch r. of c. door. 

Fire grate up l. not practical. 

Piano lamp, r. hooked up with brackets and 
chandelier. 

Table lamp, up l. hooked up with brackets and 
chandelier. 

Electric door buzzer up l. 

Small but powerful flashlamp for Jack. 

Electric lamp on table in hall. 



io "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

with 8 slits in it like a pianola record, through which 
to read the writing. 

Two suitcases off l. 

Two large, heavily loaded, old English travelling 
bags off l. 

Gold ring with a ruby or some valuable stone 
for Jack. 

German trench helmet (old) for Pryor off r.c. 

Small piece of an exploded shell for Captain 
Everett, off r.c. 

Trophies for Mrs. Russell and Janet, off r.c. 

ACT II 

SAME SET — tea things removed. 

Door slam off L.3. 
Cigarette case filled for Captain. 
Match case for Captain. 
Matches on table l. 
Large pocket flashlamp for Jack. 
Package of letters 3 inches deep, tied with a 
string, for Jarvis, r.ie. 

ACT III 

SAME SET — next morning. 

Ready off lc to be carried on, all labelled : new 
packing case, heavy — supposed to contain a man — 
about 4 ft. high, 3^ wide and 18 in. deep, and a 
sugar barrel with piece of gunny sack hooped over 
the top of it. 

Expressman's old receipt book, with receipt to 
tear out, and pencil for expressman. 

Long, typewritten manuscript in blue cover and 
a pencil case for Nutley. 



12 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 
ACT II 

SAME SET— Night. 

Brackets — Piano and table lamp to work with 
foots and ist border when switch r. of c. door is 
pushed, leaving blue in same up — 2 points. (And 
to work up when switch is pushed again.) Leave 
amber lights in 3rd border up 2 points when lamp 
in hall is turned out, if blue in hall is not sufficient. 

No strip at r.i or R.3. 

1,000 Watt at window steel blue, cut way down to 
be very dim on dimmer or use plenty of frosts, or 
use 100 Watt lamp. 

ACT III 

SAME SET — Early next morning. 

Brackets and lamps not lighted. 

Amber and white strips R.3. Lit as in Act I. 

Amber and white, 3rd Border and strips back of 
C. door up, as in Act I. 

FOOTS and ist BORDER two-thirds up, amber 
and white. 

1,000 Watt at window l., one-half up, amber light 
frosted. 

DESCRIPTION OF SET 

Begin at boxing or tormentor, down r. 

Small door r.i, backed by dark interior. 

Four- foot piece, oblique. 

Small double doors, or single door with small jog 
above it, backed by dining-room R.3. 

Wings, with inserted book-cases to meet c. door. 

Large c. doors, practical, back by hall. Must be 
deep. 



'WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 13 

Wings from c. doors to meet fire-place, l. 

Set fireplace L.3 to L.2. 

French window down l., with window seat. 

Boxing or tormentor down l. 

Plain ceiling. 



14 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 



CAST 

John Pryor A Hoover war-worker 

Janet His daughter 

Augusta His sister 

John Pryor, Jr. (Jack) His son, a Pershing 

veteran 
KATHERINE Knowles. .A girl Jack left behind him 

Captain Everett In Military Intelligence 

Margaret Russell 4 Washington widow 

Jarvis Her son 

Victor Fontaine A Blue Devil 

Oliver Cromwell Nutley 4 war crank 

Fairfax Colored butler at the Pryors' 

Charlotte His wife, cook at the Pryors' 

Bartlett A secret-service man 

Moore An expressman 

(Another secret-service man — another expressman) 



"When A Feller Needs 
A Friend" 



ACT I 

Time: — The present year — a late afternoon early 

in June. 
Place: — Washington. An attractive living-room at 

the Pryors'. 

At Rise: — ENTER Fairfax c. from l., reading a 

Washington afternoon paper, a big smile on his 

face. He laughs and speaks to himself as he 

moves to back of table l. and puts dozvn nezvs- 

paper. He is a dignified old Negro, long in 

service. 

Fairfax. Huh — de American cullud troops 

doin' great fightin' in France! Lordy — Lordy — 

don' I jes' knows it ! I kin jes' see dem ole black 

boys now a pig-stickin' dem ole Bush-Gurmans wif 

dat bay'net — bay'net — huh — big brudder ter Mista 

Razor. Dar! (With a moire as if stabbing with a 

bayonet) I see dat ole black boy got him and stick 

him plum to de side ob de trench — den I see old 

black boy step back, an' reach in his inside pocket 

an' take out social weepon (Stropping an 

imaginary razor on the palm of his hand) An' say 
to dat ole Bush-Gurman, "My — My; but you sho' 
skeered me when I fust seed yo', but somehows 
you'se done changed. (He lifts chin of imaginary 
man) How do you do! — Dooie! (Slashing as if 
with^ razor) Now— dooie! (Slashing again) 
You'se dere wif me, an' dooie. (Slashing again) 
I'se dere wif you, an' dooie, dooie. (Slashing again) 

15 



16 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

You'se dere wif everybody! (Wiping imaginary 
razor on coat sleeve and returning it to pocket) It 
suttenly is de end of a puffick day ! 



(Enter Augusta c. from r. She is a spinster of 
forty-five, rather plump and pleasing, voluble 
and somewhat vacuous. She is quite fetching 
in an afternoon gown of youthful length and 
& la mode. She appears in a state of indignant 
astonishment, carrying two coarse cotton tow- 
els) 

Augusta. (Pausing c.) These towels are cot- 
ton, Fairfax! 

Fairfax. (Rolling his eyes toward them) Yeh 
— dey sho 'pears ter do jes' ornery cotton, Miss 
Augusta. 

Augusta. (l.cJ Where's all Mrs. Russell's 
linen ? 

Fairfax. (Moving toward her a little) I dun 
cain't say, ma'am. 

Augusta. We understood that this house was 
completely furnished with everything we'd need. 
And I find nothing but cheap kitchen crockery, no 
silver, cotton sheets and the bathrooms hung 
with towels of this sort! (She sits l. of tea-table 

R.Cj 

Fairfax, (c.) Yes, ma'am, dat suttenly 'pears 
ter be substantiated. 

Augusta. What will my nephew say to that — 
(Holding out a towel) — after weeks in the trenches ! 

Fairfax. I don' kno' — it sho am irritatious, 
ma'am 

Augusta. Irritatious! (Pryor is heard off l.c. 
calling "Augusta!" Janet also, calling — "Oh, 
Auntie, Auntie!" Fairfax goes up to hall and takes 
Pryor's hat as the latter enters from l. of hall. 




MACLVN ARBL'CKLE 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 17 

Pryor is a dapper, thorough-going American of 
about fifty. He looks well valeted in a dark grey, 
sacque suit) 

Pryor. (Coming down to l. of Augusta — an 
open telegram in his hand) Augusta, he's coming 
on the limited (Looking at his watch) 

Augusta. Jack ! 

Janet. (As she enters from l. of hall, coming to 
c. She is a charming girl about twenty. She wears 
the uniform of a Red Cross ambulance driver) Oh, 
Aunt Augusta, what do you think? He's bringing 
a Blue Devil with him ! 

Augusta. (Rapturously, as she rises) A Blue 
Devil ! Oh, my dear — isn't that heavenly ! (She 
leaves towels on tea-table) 

Pryor. (Strutting dotvn in front of table L.J A 
Pershing Veteran and a Blue Devil — Washington 
and Lafayette had nothing on us ! The house will 
be historic! (Then going to l. of table. Fairfax, 
who has left Pryor's hat in hall to L., now crosses 
to r. at back and exits) 

Augusta. (With a change) Well, I should 
think it had been looted. I've just been taking an 
inventory, Janet, and we haven't a bit of china or 
silver or any decent linen ! (Moving to c.) 

Janet. (Going above piano, looks over music) 
Oh, Dad, why didn't you let us know? We could 
have sent ours on here with the other things. 

Augusta. There's nothing coming but rugs and 
the things for your room, Janet. 

Pryor. Why, I didn't notice (Picking up 

newspaper) 

Augusta. Now the linen and silver are all 
packed, and you know how I pack, John. (Sitting 
r. of table l.) 

Pryor. (Sits l. of table, facing audience, looking 
over paper) I know 

Augusta. And in the storehouse! You know 



18 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

what it means to get anything out of the store- 
house. 

Pryor. Yes — I know that, too 

Augusta. And the express companies — you 
know what they are. 

Pryor. Yes — that's three things I know. 

Augusta. (With a final note of exasperation) 
Why didn't you write me how matters were? 

Pryor. Why, I thought everything looked ship- 
shape. 

Augusta. Do you mean to say you've dried 
yourself with towels like these for a week and didn't 
know it? 

Pryor. Well, they felt pretty good to me after 
a week in sleepers. It's Washington in war time, 
you know. 

Augusta. It's pro-German, John, that's what it 
is — pro-German! ('Janet, still at the piano, has 
been listening in amusement, and laughs at this) 

Pryor. Oh, heavens and earth ! You smell it 
everywhere ! 

Augusta. Well, anybody with the slightest pa- 
triotism wouldn't go and stint a war-worker on 
things this way. And the rent you pay ! I wouldn't 
have believed it of Maggie Russell. And she 
couldn't have been afraid that we'd hurt her 
things. She knows what a careful housekeeper 
I am. 

Janet. There must be some mistake. (As she 
goes to back of table l. and sits on stool, she takes 
a nezvspaper and reads, leaning cozily against her 
father) 

Augusta. I shall write to her about it at once. 
I sha'n't mince matters either. I shall tell her just 
what I think. And the servants she's left here — 
Charlotte and Fairfax — you needn't tell me — they're 
in collusion with her! ( Janet listens, laughing a 
little, glancing over newspaper) 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 19 

Pryor. Oh, it won't hurt us to get along with- 
out luxuries during the war. 

Augusta. John, Mr. Hoover is turning you into 
a regular Spartan ! 

Pryor. I don't care if he turns me into a wheat 
substitute. 

Augusta. Those boys will want to take the next 
transport back to France. 

Pryor. Don't you worry about those boys. 

Augusta. (Almost in tears) I've been thinking 
and thinking what a good time Jack would have in 
his bath-tub. 

Pryor. Now look here, Augusta, he isn't going 
to live in the bath — one bath'll clean a man. It isn't 
going to be a question of getting a layer off a day, 
you know. 

Augusta. John, you've been talking sacrifice 
everywhere till you can't talk sense any longer. 

Janet. (Springing up and pulling her father by 
the arm) Never mind, Aunt Augusta, we'll get 
paper plates and Jap napkins and pretend we're 
roughing it. Dad, let's go watch for the boys. We 
can see down to the Circle from the upper windows. 
Let's be there with the colors flying. (Running to 
c., and turning to them as she speaks) 

Pryor. (Still seated) See here, Janet, don't you 
get too enthusiastic about those boys or you'll have 
me jealous. 

Janet. (Going above table, back to him, her arm 
about him) Why, Dad, after all you've done ! 

Pryor. Oh, I've been peddling around here with 
food problems when all the time I wanted to be over 
there, and I'm sore. I'm against this age limit any- 
way. Makes a man feel like a cold storage &gg. 
I'm just as good as I ever was, even if the Govern- 
ment has gone and rubber-stamped my date on me. 

Janet. Come along now, and I'll let you wave 
Old Glory. 



20 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Augusta. (With a change to enthusiasm — she 
rises and crosses to piano for flags, pausing l. of 
sofa) Wait, Janet — I've a Tri-color and the Union 
Jack, and here's an Italian flag, too. I thought we'd 
decorate the tea-table with them, you know. Flags 
are so thrilling always — and they're so much cheaper 
than flowers these days. See — I've got them in all 
sizes ! 

Janet. (Running to r.cJ Oh, lovely ! Look, 
Dad! 

Pryor. Splendid! (He rises and goes above 
table to l.c.) 

('ENTER Mrs. Russell and Jarvis from l. of hall. 
She is a very attractive, young appearing, forty- 
something, tip-to-date widozu. Jarvis is a 
good-looking Washingtonian in civilian clothes. 
About twenty-five. Augusta puts flags back 
on the piano and turns to receive them stand- 
ing dozvn r.J 

Mrs. Russell. How d'y'do, everybody! 

Janet. fR.c.J Oh, how d'y'do, Mrs. Russell! 
(Shaking hands with her) Hello, Jarvis ! 

Jarvis. (Up r.) Hello, Janet! ( Mrs. Russell 
turns to Pryor on her l.) 

Pryor. Glad to see you, Margaret! (As they 
shake hands) Welcome to your own home ! 

Augusta. (Down r.) Well, Maggie, how do 
you do? 

Mrs. Russell. (Moving down toward her) Oh, 
so-so. How are you ? 

Pryor. (Up c.) Good afternoon, Jarvis. 

Jarvis. (Goes to him and shakes hands — Janet 
moves to back of tea-table) How are you, Mr. 
Pryor? 

Mrs. Russell. (To r.c.) Do you think you peo- 
ple can put us up for two or three days ? It's abso- 
lutely impossible to get rooms in a hotel. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 21 

Pryor. (c.) Of course we can ! Delighted to 
have you ! 

Mrs. Russell. Katherine Knowles and I mo- 
tored in to see Jarvis — Katherine is going to spend 
the summer with me — and when we heard that 
Augusta and Janet had just arrived we thought we'd 
better come and help you get settled. 

Pryor. That's the right idea! Stay as long as 
you can. 

Janet. Where's Katherine? 

Mrs. Russell. (Sitting l. of tea-table r.) She's 
coming. She had a little shopping to do or some- 
thing. ( Augusta sits at r. end of sofa) 

Pryor. Well, Jarvis, I suppose we'll soon turn 
you into a doughboy. 

Jarvis. My number seems to be pretty far down 
the line, sir. (He crosses Pryor and moves down 
to R. of table l. and picks up newspaper for a mo- 
ment) 

Mrs. Russell. He's exempt, John ! He's got 
to take care of me. 

Augusta. I knew it ! ( Janet crosses at back to 
window seat) 

Pryor. (Moving to l. of Mrs. Russell J Come 
now — that sort of talk isn't popular around here. 
You're not serious ? 

Mrs. Russell. Indeed I am! Jarvis is all I've 
got in the world. My affairs are in an awful state. 
That's why I had to rent this house. 

Augusta. (Still on sofa) Well, Maggie, all I 
can say is, you ought to be able to get along 
for the rest of your life on what John's paying 
you. 

Pryor. (Hastily) Come — come — we won't talk 
about that. 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, — you should have seen the 
offers I had for this house before you took it ! I 
gave John the very lowest figure — just because it 



22 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

was John and a dollar-a-year man and all that. (Pat- 
ting his arm) 

Pryor. (Chaffingly) Well, Jarvis, I sympathize 
with you. Hard luck, isn't it, when a feller has to 
stay home on account of his mother. 

Jarvis. I'm supposed to be doing needed work 
here, you know — the same as yourself. The Sen- 
ator thinks so anyway. (He joins Janet at win- 
dow L.J 

Mrs. Russell. They've got to have somebody 
there. It's just as patriotic as to go stumping over 
the country for Hoover. Why don't you train for 
a reserve officer, John ? 

Pryor. (In a loud whisper) Can't — I'm flat- 
footed ! 

Mrs. Russell. I don't believe it — a thorough- 
bred like you ! 

Pryor. Margaret, I envy that boy of mine with 
all my soul. 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, don't be silly ! You make 
me sympathize with the man that said this whole 
blame country was divided into patriots and damn 
patriots. 

Augusta. Well, the man that said that was pro- 
German. 

(Ready for doorbell.) 

Mrs. Russell. No — he was simply clever. 

Pryor. (Indignantly) The place for that come- 
dian is court fool to the Kaiser. (He moves up 
stage to hall) 

Janet. We're expecting Jack any minute, Mrs. 
Russell. You know he got back several days ago. 

(Going to chair r. of table r., Jarvis moves below 
tabic. ) 

Mrs. Russell. Yes, Katherine told me. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 23. 

Augusta. When he landed, John was out in 
Arkansas and Janet and I were closing up the house 
in Chicago, so we've none of us seen him yet. 

Mrs. Russell. Dear Jack ! 

Janet. (Crossing to c.) Oh, Mrs. Russell, he's 
bringing one of the Blue Devils with him, Victor 
Fontaine ! 

Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Is he? I'm crazy to 
see one. I hear they're wonderful. Foreigners are 
always so fascinated and then when you get them all 
scarred and decorated (Going to Janet l.c.J 

Pryor. (Coming down a little) Come, Janet 

we're forgetting the reception we've planned for 
them. 

Janet. (She runs to piano and gets flags) Oh, 
yes. Come, Jarvis ! Here— take two of the flags! 

Jarvis. What's doing? 

Janet. Come on— you'll see. Here, Dad, these 
are for you. (She gives American flag to Pryor, 
English and Italian to Jarvis, and keeps for herself 
the French. Moving gaily and quickly, she begins 
to march around c, followed by Jarvis, with 
Pryor bringing up at the rear. They sing one of 
the popular war songs. They march twice around 
c, then out to hall to r., Jarvis going out first) I'll 
wave the Tri-color ! 

Mrs. Russell. (She moves across and sits at 
lower end of sofa) Well, it is good to be at home. 
I've a darling place in the hills, Augusta, but Wash- 
ington is a habit with me, and I seem to get rest- 
less away. But you know I was in a constant state 
of nerves here — the whole country standing on its 
head. 

Augusta. (Standing l. of tea-table) Maggie, 

are you pro-German ? 

Mrs. Russell. Nonsense ! I'm pro-free speech 
Augusta. (Sits l. of tea-table) Well, it's the 

same thing. Free speech always seems to be some- 



24 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

thing that helps the Huns. I'm for plain speech 
and I want to know why you put away all your 
silver and fine china and left us these coarse, un- 
washed sheets and towels and things. 

Mrs. Russell. What? (Door-bell off l.) 

Augusta. That's what I find. 

Mrs. Russell. (Laughing) It's Charlotte and 
Fairfax conserving the country's resources. 

Augusta. It's all new — such as it is. (Fair- 
fax passes through hall from r.) 

Mrs. Russell. I told them to go over the stock 
and get whatever was needed. I meant for the 
kitchen, of course. 

Augusta. Well, I certainly felt insulted — after 
all the years you've known me. 

Mrs. Russell. I should say so. (Enter Fair- 
fax from l. of hall, ushering in Nutley. Nutley 
is a pudgy, successful rice importer, betzvcen forty- 
five and fifty. He is as bald as a cellar mushroom 
and about the same color) 

Fairfax. Mr. Nutley, ma'am. 

Augusta. (Going up c. to greet him, delight- 
edly) Oh, Oliver, how nice of you to drop in. 
Maggie, this is Mr. Nutley, our old friend, Mrs. 
Russell, Oliver. (Fairfax moves to r. at back, 
standing in front of bookcase) 

Mrs. Russell. How d'y' do, Mr. Nutley ? 

Nutley. (Moving down to Mrs. Russell, shak- 
ing hands with her) Good afternoon, Madam. 

Mrs. Russell. (Retaining his hand) Why — 
I'm sure I've seen you before. (Meantime Augusta 
takes tozvcls from tea-table and gives them hastily 
to Fairfax, then she goes to c.) 

Nutley. I — I hope so, but I'm sure I couldn't 
have forgotten you. (Augusta looks from one to 
the other uneasily ) 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, I know — it's Lord Reading! 

Nutley. Lord Reading? 




FI.ORINK ARNOLD 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 25 

Mrs. Russell. (To Augusta J He looks just 
like Lord Reading — the same air of distinction. 

Nutley. Well, I'm sure that's very flattering. 

Augusta. It's very flattering to Lord Reading. 

Mrs. Russell. (Rising and crossing in front of 
Nutley to r. of Augusta,) Serve the tea, Fair- 
fax. 

Fairfax. (Moving to go r. 3, concealing towels) 
Yes, ma'am 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, my dear — I forget that 
you're the first lady here! But don't mind me. 
Fairfax, where's all the silver and linen ? (Moving 
toward him) 

Fairfax. De silver an' de linen, ma'am? I 
cain't say — I suspec' dat ole woman, Charlotte, is 
'countable fo' de disappearance, ma'am. 

Mrs. Russell. Well, why didn't you tell Miss 
Augusta ? 

Fairfax. I don' — I don' kno' — I don' neber 
argufy wid a lady, ma'am. 'Pears ter me like it's 
ungenteel. 

Mrs. Russell. (Passing Fairfax, moving up 
to the door) You come with me, Fairfax, and we'll 
do a little argufying with Charlotte. (Exit R.3, 
followed by Fairfax ) 

Augusta. (Moving to k.) I am so glad to see 
you, Oliver! You got my message this morn- 
ing? 

Nutley. (Moving toward her, to L. of tea- 
table) Yes — at half-past nine. 

Augusta. Weren't you surprised? 

Nutley. Well, I'm not like that— I'm not easily 
surprised. 

Augusta. (Moving down to sofa) I called you 
up the very first chance I had. Isn't it wonderful 
to meet in Washington in this way? (She sits and 
with a gesture indicates the seat beside her. Unob- 
servant, he sits l. of tea-table) 



26 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Nutley. Well, I don't know — people of patri- 
otic trend — we all reach here sooner or later. 

Augusta. I know you must be doing great 
things. 

Nutley. No — no — not yet. My plans are all 
completely worked out — theoretically speaking. 

Augusta. Theoretically ? Oh, how clever you 
are, Oliver! (Moving toward him as she sits) 

Nutley. (Modestly) Well. I do think I have 
evolved a way to end this war. 

Augusta. To end the war? Oh, Oliver, do 
hurry ! 

Nutley. Yes — yes — I will. You can help me, 
Augusta. 

Augusta. (Moving to end of sofa, opposite him) 
Oh, I will — I will ! What can I do ? Tell me your 
plan. 

Nutley. It's a business man's idea. The reason 
it hasn't been thought of before is probably this — 
wars have always been run by soldiers. They don't 
approach them from a business man's point of view. 

Augusta. Why, of course — they just keep on 
fighting and fighting. 

Nutley. That's it exactly. My idea started with 
Phillip of Macedon 

Augusta. You mean from Georgia? 

Nutley. No — I think he was Grecian. 

Augusta. Oh, yes 

Nutley. You remember what he asked when his 
army couldn't reach the enemy in the mountains ? 

Augusta. Why, no — I did know, but I seem to 
have forgotten 

Nutley. He asked his generals, "Is there a 
pathway wide enough for an ass to pass laden with 
gold?" 

Augusta. (Absorbed ) Laden with gold 

Nutley. This war is costing the Government 
twenty billions a year. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 27 

Augusta. (Worriedly) Yes, I know. Do you 
think that's too much? It isn't their fault, you 
know, they 

Nutley. (Impressively) No, but listen. My 
idea is to send airplanes over the German lines and 
drop printed dodgers into the trenches — a proclama- 
tion from the President, telling them that every 
German who deserts to the American forces will 
be given a thousand dollars each, and a homestead 
out in the West, and as soon as peace is declared 
we'll transport his family. 

Augusta. Why, of course ! 

Nutley. Here are these people that were get- 
ting out of Germany as fast as they could before 
this war broke. None of them want to stay there. 
I never met a German yet that wanted to stay there. 
They'd come across so fast it 'u'd look like a run 
on the bank. You can't tell me they want to fight. 
They're fighting because they got into it and they 
think it's the only way out of it. 

Augusta. Why, of course! 

Nutley. Suppose there were twelve million in 
the German army, we could afford to pay them a 
thousand dollars each for privates, two thousand 
for the next grade, and so on, and we don't need to 
buy the officers — buy the army out from under them 
— and let them down on their backs flat and the 
Kaiser on top of the heap ! In no time at all there 
wouldn't be enough of them left over there to fight 
a duel ! 

Augusta. But that's an awful lot of money to 
be giving the Germans 

Nutley. It's better to give it to them than to 
spend twice as much killing them. 

Augusta. Oh, of course we could take it away 
from them after we got them over here. 

Nutley. Yes, we probably would — one way or 
another. 



28 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Augusta. Oliver, I think you're inspired ! 
NuTLEY. Not at all — just common sense — ap- 
proaching it from a business man's point of view. 
Augusta. You must tell the President at once! 
NuTLEY. Now that's my difficulty. You know, 
he's so hard to reach. That's where you can help 
me. 

Augusta. But what can I I don't know 

him Do you think I could call on Mrs. Wil- 
son, or something? 

Nutley. Your brother is in close touch with 
one of our great administrators. 

Augusta. Oh, yes, you must explain it all to 
John, and he'll tell Mr. Hoover and Mr. Hoover'll 
tell the President — of course! Just think, we may 
be making history right here in this room at this 
minute. 

Nutley. Well, Augusta, I must say I've talked 
this to a lot of people and they've none of them 
seen it the way you do. 

Augusta. (Rising and moving to front of tabic ) 

I'd he careful if I were you. I shouldn't talk about 

it to a lot of people. If the Germans heard of it 

over there, they might find a way to stop it — by 

offering them more money, you know, not to desert. 

(Ready door bell.) 

Nutley. (Rising) No fear of that. The richest 

country in the world — we could outbid them easily. 

Augusta. (Moving nearer to him) Well, there's 

one person here that you mustn't mention it to — 

that's Mrs. Russell. 

Nutley. The one that thought 

Augusta. The one that thought Lord Reading 
looked like you — yes. She's pro-German. 

Nutley. Is she really? (He moves around to 
«/> c. and looks toward door R.3J 

Augusta. (Following up to r. of him) Yes, 
and I wouldn't have this interfered with for any- 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 29 

thing. I've been so worried about sonic way to 
stop the war. It doesn't matter so much to you 
men, but if it goes on, you know what it means to 
us women. (Looking around over her shoulder) 
Polygamy ! 

Nutley. Polygamy! 

Augusta. They have it in Germany already. 
It's coming everywhere. I see signs of it here. Do 
you ever see a soldier on the street that hasn't three 
girls with him? 

Nutley. Oh — but really 

Augusta. And you saw the way Mrs. Russell 
looked at you the moment she saw you — holding 
your hand and flattering you. 

Nutley. Yes, but that was only 

Augusta. There aren't enough marriageable men 

now in Washington. What'll it be when (Enter 

Mrs. Russell door R.3. She comes to back of tea- 
table) 

Mrs. Russell. Well, Augusta, I've unearthed 
the hidden treasure. (Enter Fairfax R.3, carrying 
tea-tray laid for four. He places it on the table 
and then moves back up r. and stands waiting) 
Charlotte had heard of the Germans looting 
the homes in Belgium, and she was afraid 
they'd raid Washington and carry my silver off to 
Berlin. 

Augusta. (Over the tray) That looks more 
like it. 

Mrs. Russell. (Sitting back of table) Shall I 
serve it? 

Augusta. Why, yes — do. 

Mrs. Russell. Do have some tea, Mr. Nutley. 

Nutley. (Going to l. of tea-table) No, thank 
you — no stimulants. I find my brain's been too 
active lately. 

Mrs. Russell. That's the penalty of having one. 
It's worse than a heart, isn't it? 



30 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Augusta. (Uneasily, as she stands c.) Don't 
you want to see John before you go? He's up on 
the balcony of the top floor. I'll show you. (Tak- 
ing him by the arm) 

Nutley. Excuse me, Mrs. Russell — I want to 
have a few words with Mr. Pryor about a Govern- 
ment matter. (Augusta hurries hint out) 

Augusta. (As they go out c. to r.J It's a very 
good time now to catch John before the boys get 
here. (Mrs. Russell smilingly pours herself some 
tea. Enter R.3, Charlotte, carrying a plate of corn- 
bread. Charlotte is a typical old Washington ne- 
gress, faithful and good-natured. She goes to l. of 
tea-table and puts the plate on it) 

Charlotte. (Standing l. of tea-table) Miss 
Russell, ma'am, heah's some corn-pone I dun made. 
Dis fambly don' use no wheat in dis yere house 
while dere's a wa'. I tell dat ole man, Fairfax, he 
ought ter be 'shamed o' hisself not to have no chil- 
lun to make soldiers out o'. An' if I had a gal, Miss 
Russell, ma'am, she shouldn't marry nuffin but one 
o' dem unifo'ms. (Door-bell rings. Fairfax, with 
an indignant look back at Charlotte, goes out c. 

to L.) 

Mrs. Russell. Charlotte, I told these people that 
you put away all my things. 

Charlotte. Dat's right, load it all on ter me, 
ma'am. I'se so used ter lyin' 'twon't bother me 
none. 

Mrs. Russell. (Sipping tea) You did it to save 
them for me. 

Charlotte. Yes'm, dat's de God's truth ! (She 
moves up toward door R.3 and pauses as Mrs. R. 
speaks) 

Mrs. Russell. Fairfax tells me you've been sav- 
ing every penny you could get to buy Liberty Bonds. 

Charlotte. Miss Russell, ma'am, I didn't buy 
dose Libe'ty bombs to save 'em. I dun bought dose 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 31 

bombs to spectorate in. (Enter Fairfax from l. 
of the hall, ushering in Captain Everett. He is 
about forty-five, altogether military in manner and 
bearing. Best type in our service) 

Fairfax. Captain Ev'rett, ma'am. 

Everett. How d'y do, Margaret ? This is luck. 

Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Well, Frank— I am 
pleased ! How did you know I was here ? 

Everett. I just looked in to find out where you 
were. (Exeunt Fairfax and Charlotte up R.3, 
Charlotte going first) 

Mrs. Russell. You dear old boy— how are you ? 

Everett. (r.c.J Oh, moving along. Pretty 
busy at the office. 

Mrs. Russell. (Sitting back of tea-table again) 
Tea? 

Everett. Thanks. 

Mrs. Russell. One? 

Everett. Clear, please. 

Mrs. Russell. Under the spell of the great 
man? 

Everett. Uh-huh. 

Mrs. Russell. It used to be four and cream for 
you. (Smiling at him. Putting sugar in her own 
cup) 

Everett. (Taking the cup from her, he moves 
below table and sits on sofa) When I came in, the 
family were upstairs leaning out of the windows, 
with flags waving. I don't suppose it was all for 
me. 

Mrs. Russell. Jack's coming. 

Everett. Oh, I see. Fine boy, Jack. Wish I 
could get to the front. I say, Margaret, do you 
remember Baron von Feiffen ? — of the German Em- 
bassy ? 

Mrs. Russell. I should say I do. We were 
great pals — one of my beaux, you know. We saw 
a great deal of him. 



32 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Everett. I thought you knew him rather well. 
(A pause. He drinks his tea) 

Mrs. Russell. Why? What about him? Has 
he been killed ? 

Everett. Oh — I don't know about that, but I 
ran across a letter that concerned him the other 
day. It accidentally came to us. I put it aside and 
thought I'd ask you about it. 

Mrs. Russell. Well, go on — what about it? 

Everett. It was in code, you know, and as near 
as I could make out — it was directing somebody to 
recover a packet of papers that the Baron had left 
here. 

Mrs. Russell. Left here? 

Everett. Yes. Your name was mentioned in 
the letter. 

Mrs. Russell. My name 

Everett. I gathered they thought that the packet 
had been left with you. (Ready company for gen- 
eral entrance) 

Mrs. Russell. I don't know anything about it, 
Frank. He left nothing with me and I haven't had 
a line from him since he sailed. 

Everett. Well, I thought I'd ask you. 

Mrs. Russell. (Anxiously ) Has anyone be- 
side yourself seen the letter? 

Everett. I can't say as to that. 

Mrs. Russell. If you're a friend of mine, Frank, 
you won't say any more about it. I don't want to 
be mixed up in any German intrigue. 

Everett. I should say not. 

Mrs. Russell. You know I'm against the war 
and the way things are managed and conscription 
and everything, but I wouldn't do anything to help 
the Germans. 

Everett. (Good-naturedly) If everybody felt 
that way, Margaret, they wouldn't need any help — 
they'd have a walkover — as far as we're c/)n- 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 33 

cerned. (She looks at him a second, then rises) 

Mrs. Russell. Have you got that letter with 
you ? 

Everett. (Taking out his pocket-book, as he 
crosses to r.cJ Yes — I thought you'd like to see it 
— it's rather curious. (Drawing out letter and giv- 
ing it to her) 

Mrs. Russell. (Reading, as she stands back of 
tea-table) Why, I don't see any reference to me 
in this 

Everett. See that word — "Rustle"? 

Mrs. Russell. (Reading) "Rustle it along" — 
yes — but that's r-u-s-t-1-e. 

Everett. Let me show you. (He lays it on the 
table and places over it another paper, perforated 
here and there) "Mrs. Margaret Russell" — (Point- 
ing) 

Mrs. Russell. (Dropping the perforated sheet 
on table) I see — I see — Frank, what are you go- 
ing to do with that letter? If anyone should see 
it that didn't know me, I might be in no end of 
trouble. (Still looking at the letter) 

Everett. (Picking up the perforated sheet) Oh 
— it's easy enough to prove you never heard of the 
packet. 

Mrs. Russell. But it might get into the papers, 
and you never can clear yourself once that happens. 
I'm awfully worried,, Frank. I wish you'd let me 
keep this letter. 

Everett, (l. of her) Sorry, Margaret, I can't 
do that. 

Mrs. Russell. But I'm frightened — I don't 
know what to do 

Everett. Nonsense — don't do anything. (Janet 
and Pryor are heard off stage up k. calling as if 
from upper window) 

Mrs. Russell. There's Jack now 

Everett. Sure enough (With a turn up l. 



34 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

toward hall, she quickly tears the letter into bits. 
He turns and starts toward her, exclaiming in in- 
dignant surprise and sudden suspicion) Margaret! 
That looks bad ! 

Mrs. Russell. (To front of sofa) I don't care 
— I should never know another moment's peace ! 

Everett. Fortunately that was only a copy. 

Mrs. Russell. (Exclaiming in anger and fear) 
Frank ! 

(There is a rush through the hall and the sound of 
welcoming voices. "Jack — Jack! Welcome 
home!" "Hello, Father!" "Here you are at 
last!" "Hello, Janet!" "Oh, Jack, Jack!") 

Janet. Oh, Jack, it's so good to have you back ! 
We thought you'd never get here. 

Jack. I've wondered about that several times 
myself. 

Janet. Your wire didn't come in time for us to 
go to meet you. 

(Enter Jack with Janet on one arm and Katiier- 
ine on the other. Jack w a fine young Ameri- 
can soldier of twenty-four or fire, tall and 
lean, in the khaki of a first lieutenant, a service 
chevron on his sleeve. Katherine is a lovely 
girl in her twenties. Quiet, earnest, direct man- 
ner, well bat not over-dressed) 

Jack. Well, we'd just started to hunt up a taxi 
when I caught sight of Katherine waiting for us 

in a steamboat I say, you're looking great, 

Katherine ! 

Katherine. 'Fess up, now — you didn't know 
me. (Mrs. R. is down at lower end of sofa. Cap- 
tain Everett is back of tea-table. Jack c. with 
Janet on his r. and Katherine on his l.) 

Jack. Didn't know you ! Say — I thought I was 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 35 

back at Billets, looking at a pile of doughnuts in a 
C3,ntccn. 

Mrs.' Russell. So, Katherine, that's why you 
were speeding all the way in. 

Katherine. I made up my mind to meet every 
train till they came. 

Jack. (Going down to her, Janet and Kather- 
ine go to r. of table L. Katherine at lower end 
of it. They stand, leaning against table, facing rJ 
How are you, Mrs. Russell? 

Mrs. Russell. Well, Jack— I've got to kiss you, 

you know. 

Jack. (Kissing her) Got to ! You couldn t es- 
cape me! I'm the quickest kisser in the regiment. 
How are you, Captain Everett? (Everett moves 
down to l. of Jack; 

Everett. (Wringing his hand) Glad to see you, 

Jack ! 

(Pryor and Victor come in c. from l. of hall, fol- 
lowed by Jarvis, who gradually moves from 
up back of table l. down to l. corner. Fair- 
fax and Charlotte linger for a moment at the 
hall door, watching with shining eyes, then 
move off to r., carrying the luggage) 

Jack. (As his father and Victor appear in door- 
way) Come in, Victor. Here's one of the best 
ever! Mrs. Russell, my friend Victor Fontaine. 
(He goes up to Victor and gives him a friendly 
shove down toward Mrs. Russell. Pryor turns 
to Everett up rJ 

Mrs. Russell. (Down r v giving him her hand) 
Welcome to Washington, Monsieur Fontaine. 

Victor. (Doffing his cap with the sweep of a 
cavalier and kissing her hand) I am charmed 
Madame. (He is a dashing, debonair Blue Devil, 
about thirty, in the uniform of a French sergeant. 
His English is broken, our "th" bothers him. Mrs. 



36 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Russell sits on sofa. Captain Everett moves to 
l. of chair l. of tea-table) 

Jack, (l.c.) Captain Everett, Victor — Military 
Intelligence. • 

Victor. (Tunis to Everett, who is on his lJ 
Ah — Intelligence Militaire? 

Jack. (As Victor and Everett shake hands) 
Yes — peek-a-boo — I spy with the Germans — you 
know. (Augusta off c. to r. is heard calling, "Oh, 
my boy, my boy! Where is he?" She runs in and 
goes to Jack's arms l.c.J Well, Auntie, old girl, 
how goes it? You look as young as a debutante. 
Here's a basier I smuggled out of France for you. 
(Kissing her loudly on both cheeks) 

Augusta. (Nutley comes on c. from r.) Oh — 
oh — you darling boy ! 

Jack. Hello, Mr. Nutley. (Turns and shakes 
ha)ids with him) 

Nutley. How d'y' do, Jack? 

Jack. Victor, what do you think of 'em? Some 
family, n'est-ce-pas? Que dites — vous to my Aunt 
Gus? (His arm about her) 

Victor, (r. of them) I am enchante avec Aunt 
— Aunt 

Jack. Gus. That scared him. He thought I 
called you Aunt Gas. (They all laugh, Augusta 
goes up l. and sits beside Nutley) 

Victor. Oh, Shack — no — no — what shall I say? 

Jack. (Giving him a playful punch) Use your 
dictionary, old scout ! How do you like to be all 
alone in the midst of a foreign language? This is 
where I get even for all the short change I got 
over in your country. (As they knock each other 
about like a pair of cubs, Victor gets to l. of Jack. 
Jarvis sits on chair beloiv window l. The two 
girls are against table l., interested and laughing) 

Victor. Ah — Shack — no — behave ourselves, 
Shack ! Behave ourselves ! 




TIM MURPHY 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 37 

Pryor. (Up r. of Jack,) I'm mighty proud of 
this boy, Captain Everett. 

Everett. (Back of tea-table) I see you won 
your Croix de Guerre. 

Jack, (c.) Oh, these are just for good conduct 
and punctuality. Look at Victor, he's the boy with 
the prizes. 

Victor, (l. of him) No — no — it is nothing 

Jack. Father, you look fifteen years younger. 
I'm ashamed to call you Poppa. 

Pryor. (r.cJ Setting-up drill and war rations, 
son. 

Augusta. That's what Mr. Hoover's done for 
him, Jack. 

Jack. Well, what he took off you, Dad, he put 
on us. 

Everett. John, I hear you took all Arkansas' 
wheat off her last week. 

Pryor. Took it nothing ! She shoved at me — 
every grain till the next harvest ! 

Jack. Come on, Victor, let's give Arkansas an 
over-the-top yell. 

Victor. No — no, Shack, cool off yourself! 

Jack. Wait till you hear him sing the Marseil- 
laise — that's his stunt. 

Janet. (Rises and moves forward a little) Oh, 
we'd love it ! 

Victor. (Turns to her) No — no — some ot'er 
time — peut-etre, avec plaisir. I sing very bad un- 
less I am very much moved. 

Jack. It's up to you, Janet — move him ! 

Victor. For you, Mademoiselle, I think I could 
sing very loud. 

Jack. You must be careful how you jolly this 
young devil. He believes everything you say is 
straight stuff. 

Victor. Do not believe that everyt'ing Shack 
say is stuffed straight. Blaigeur! 



38 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Jack. This boy's awful quiet, bill he's SO full 
of schrapnel that when he walks he sounds like b 
baby's rattle, (Giving him a shove toward Pryor, 
tfu>i sitting on table l, between the two girls) 

Pryor. Pretty fast going where you picked that 
up, I suppose. 

Victor. (Diffidently) Oh— 1 don't know. 

Augusta. (Still seated up L.) Weren't you a 
bit panicky before a drive? 

VICTOR, (C.) Oh, 1 don't know — it is all much 
the same. 

JACK. Oh, he's seen such a lot of it that he's 
fed up. These fellows go off to the trenches like 
a bunch of miners trooping in for the day's work. 

VICTOR. Oh, no — hut it has been such a long 
tune that we sit in a hole in the mud trying to kill 
them before they can kill us. It is patience th.it 
yOU have to learn. There are a great many Sher- 
mans and the war it will not end until we have 
killed sufficient. In the meantime, you part from 
so many id" your Friends, if you are not patient you 
go mad. 

Jack. If you saw him going over the top with 
a yell, you wouldn't think he was very patient. 

I WKT. Oh. tell us- what docs it feel like when 
you go over the top? 

Victor. It is a relief— it is a change — how do 
you say? — somet'ing doing. 

PRYOR. How did you feel about it. Jack? 
Jack. Well, there's one thing about it — your 
skin feels aw fid tight on your face. 

Victor. (Grinning at him) And t'irsty, eh, 

Shack ? 

I Ack. ( )h, quelle soifi 

I \kvis. (Seated down i . ) I guess nowc of you 

are too keen to go back. (The others look at him 
in surprise ) 

Victor. (Turning toward him, coming down <i 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 39 

little) We will go back and kill him or he will 
come over and kill you. He has said to the whole 
world you will be Sherman or you will be dead. 
We in France — we would rather be dead. (The 
girls and Jack exclaim, "Hear! Hear!" ) 

Jarvis. (Still seated down l.) That's a simple 
statement of the war. (Mrs. Russell rises) 

Victor. (Looking him over carefully) Yes — I 
do not argue about the war. I leave that to the 
Shermans and their friends. They have more need 
of arguments than we have. (He crosses to Mrs. 
Russell at sofa and stands l. of her. She says a 
protesting word to him in pantomime) 

Pryor. (Hastily) Yes — yes — the time for argu- 
ments is past. You boys must need freshening up. 

Jack. (Going to c.) Yes, Auntie, where are 
our dug-outs? 

Augusta. (Rising and going to hall. Nutley 
rises) Come right upstairs. 

Jack. Dad, I've got a bag full of trophies. Don't 
you want to see them — everybody? (Chorus of 
"Oh, yes — yes!" Victor goes up to hall with Mrs. 
Russell,) 

Augusta. You must hurry — I've got tea wait- 
ing for you. (Exit to hall, going r., follozved by 
Victor and Mrs. Russell, Katherine and Jarvis ) 

Everett. (As he moves out to hall with Jack J 
Did you bring back an iron cross? 

Jack. Oh, pshaw ! They're so common we 
wouldn't cart 'em around. (Exeunt to hall to r. 
Pryor is last to go) 

Nutley. (Detaining Pryor, from his l.) Just 
a moment, Mr. Pryor. 

Pryor. Yes — yes — yes 

Nutley. You were saying it would be difficult 
to get these proclamations to the Germans. 
Wouldn't it be a simple matter to drop them out 
of airplanes? 



4 o "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Pryor. Yon hotter see Creel about that. I un- 
derstand the Germans shoot anyone they catch read- 
ing our propaganda. 

NUTLEY, Oh — oil, yes — that's a disadvantage. 
I'll have to think that out. 

Pryor. (Moving to go ) And I saw in the papers 
that they shoot onr aviators if they capture any 
that have been dropping stuff. 

NuTLEY. (At the door) Well, couldn't we use 
toy balloons to carry them ? 

Pryor. (As they go out) Yes, or you might 
fill shells with them, but still how are you going 
to get them read? (Exeunt to hall to r. Katii- 
BRINE and JARVIS move dozen from L. of hall) 

(Catherine. (Drawing him down to l.c, lower- 
ing her voice) Jar, yon mustn't start an argument 
with them aboul the war. 

JARVIS. (Crosses her to just below table l.) I'll 
bet darn few of them would have gone if they 
hadn't been drafted. 

ECaTHERINE. Well, if you quarrel with them, 
you're going to make it awfully uncomfortable for 
me. 

Jarvis. I don't see what you went to meet him 
for. He acts as if he thought you meant a good 
deal by it. 

Katuerine. (r. of him) We've always been 
great friends, and I'm awfully fond of him. 

Jarvis. (Putting his arm about her) You're not 
as fond of him as you are of me, are you? (Watch 
for general entrance ) 

{Catherine. Of course I'm not. Don't be silly, 
Jar. Janet and 1 have been like sisters and he was 
like a brother to me. It's different with you. (He 
pulls her into his arms to kiss her as JACK ealls 
from hall off R., "Oh, Katherine!" She draws azcay 
a little to k. as Jack enters. Seeing them, he turns 
as if to go) 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 41 
Jack. Oh, I beg- pardon- 



Katherine. Oh, come in, Jack. (With a move 
up to him) 

Jack. (Dozvn to r. of her) Oh — I wondered 
where you were, Katherine. Here's something I 
brought you — a French soldier gave it to me. 
(Giving her a ring) He was our liason officer. 

Katherine. (Taking it. She is down l.c.J 
Why, Jack — this is a very valuable ring! 

Jarvis. (In front of table l.) Why did he give 
it to you? 

Jack. (Rather moved and embarrassed ) Well, 
he hadn't anyone else to give it to. The family 
had been wiped out up in the north of France. 
He'd been saving it for his sweetheart and when he 
heard what had happened to her — you know — 
that's the sort of thing that's going on there all 
the time. 

Katherine. But 

Jarvts. But why to you? 

Jack. Well, you see, he had been wounded and 
I got him back into a shell hole. I'd spoken about 
you to him, Katherine, and when he was dying he 
gave it to me for you. 

Katherine. (Deeply moved) Oh — Jack! 

Jarvis. I think it's kind of gruesome. I don't 
see what you'd want with that, Katherine. Can't 
you give her something more cheerful ? 

Jack. I hope you don't feel that way about it, 
Katherine. 

Katherine. (Looking at the ring) What was 
he like? 

(Voices of the family heard as they return. Enter 
Mrs. Russell, Janet and Victor from r. of 
hall. Jack crosses to below sofa r.) 

Victor. (Off stage as they come) Oh, Made- 



42 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

moiselle, I too have a box full of trophies, and you 
shall have them all ! 

Janet. Oh, I'd love them! 

Mrs. Russell. (A broken sword in her hand) 
One is enough for me. (Mrs. Russell goes to 
sofa r. and sits. Janet to back of tea-table, Victor 
to l. of her. Katherine is dozen l., Jarvis in 
front of table. Pryor enters and conies to l.c, fol- 
loived by Everett, who pauses r. of hint. Pryor 
is carrying a trench helmet. Everett is fingering 
a piece of shell) 

Pryor. (As they enter) Well, you know this 
will probably be the most hated headgear the world 
has ever produced. It's the head of the human 
cobra — poisonous beast! (Rubbing his hands in 
disgust as Everett takes it from him) 

Everett. (r.cJ And there probably weren't any 
more brains under it than you'd find under the 
hood of a cobra. Strange coincidence — out in In- 
dia the snake-charmers always use cobra. They're 
very susceptible to music — German in that respect, 
too. (He puts helmet on small table up l., then 
moves back to r.c.J 

Victor. For mc — I have too much admiration 
for a snake to call him Sherman. 

Jarvis. I don't see why you people can't be fair. 
I knew at least one German well, and you can't 
make me believe he wasn't a human being. 

Victor. He might be a human being in Sher- 
many — in France he is a swine. He will go home 
and wallow in his saur-kraut or we will cut his 
t'roat. 

Everett. (He moves down a little) Who was 
this German, Jarvis? Was it the Baron von Feif- 
fen? (Mrs. Russell, on sofa, shozvs her alarm ) 

Jarvis. Yes, and he was neither a snake nor a 
swine. 

Mrs. Russell. (Hastily) You can't make this 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 43 

crowd believe anything good of a German, Jarvis, 
now don't try. 

Jack. Well, perhaps we'd better get this thing 
cleared up. Where do you get off on this war, any- 
way, Jarvis? You don't think the Germans have 
a leg to stand on, do you? 

Jarvis. I imagine they feel about it very much 
as we do. We've got into a quarrel with them and 
I suppose we're going to fight it out. 

Jack. How about you ? Are you going to fight 
it out — or are you going to let someone else do it 
for you? 

Jarvis. I don't know as I was consulted about 
this war. I wasn't asked to vote on it. They didn't 
put it to a referendum. 

Jack. Your Senator voted for it. 

Jarvis. My Senator voted against it. 

Pryor. (Flaring. He is l.c and comes down L. 
a little) You talk like an anarchist. Do you sup- 
pose you're not going to obey any law you don't 
vote for? 

Jarvis. I obey the law, all right, but I think ac- 
cording to my conscience — same as you do. If 
Congress voted to make peace to-morrow, you'd all 
be out yelling like a lot of stuck pigs. 

Everett. (Up u.c.) If Congress voted to make 
peace to-morrow, the country would rise up 
and hang them. This is a representative gov- 
ernment, and Congress does what the country 
wants. 

Pryor. And you'll do what the country wants 
or you'll find yourself lined up with Benedict Ar- 
nold. 

Jack. Well, what do you think of that, Vic- 
tor? 

Mrs. Russell. (Crossing to l.c.) Oh, don't 
start an argument. You'd better go, Jarvis. 

Pryor. (Up c, r. of her) Oh, come, Margaret, 



44 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

you're not going to encourage the boy in this sort 
of talk. 

Mrs. Russell, (r. of table l.) I'm going to 
encourage him to do what he thinks is right. You 
are all very unjust to him. You've no right to call 
him a coward because you don't agree with him. 

Jarvis. (Crossing to her c.) I don't care what 
he calls me. I have my own opinion of him, and 
I'll do what I please. Mother, you and Katherine 
come with me. (Turning to her. Katherine is 
below table r.) 

Mrs. Russell. Now, Jarvis, I'm not going to 
let this war break up all my personal relations. 

Jarvis. You don't mean to say you're going to 
stay here? 

Mrs. Russell. Where can I go ? I can't get into 
a hotel, I can't stay at your club, and I wouldn't 
let the Kaiser himself put me in a boarding- 
house. 

Jarvis. I should think you might go back home. 

Mrs. Russell. Why, Jarvis, I've only just got 
here. 

Jarvis. Well, it's the last you'll see of me as 
long as you stay here! (Exit angrily to hall to l.) 

Jack. (Down r., seated on end of sofa) I'll 
miss him ! (He moves to below tea-table. Janet 
moves up to r. of c. door. Victor is r. of her) 

Katherine. (Greatly troubled) Don't you think 
we'd better go, Mrs. Russell? 

Mrs. Russell. (Sitting r. of table l.) Cer- 
tainly not. I should think that just good manners 
would keep people from quarreling about politics 
and wars. That used to be one of the pleasant 
things about Washington — nobody took those things 
seriously. Now you'd hardly recognize the place 
— all these strangers coming in and biting each 
other's heads off. 

Pryor. (r. of her) I don't think that's a very 




CHARLOTTE WALKER 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" .\$ 

patriotic thing to say, Margaret— all those boys 
over there dying for us. 

Mks. Russell. Well, patriotism is like religion 
— it's all righl for Sundays and the Fourth of Jul)', 
but I don't think you ought to In- dragging it oul 
every day in the week 

Pkyor. I niusi say I don't agree with you and 
I don't like to hear anyone talk that way, either. 

As long as our boys arc willing to fighl for the 
country 1 think we ought to he willing to argue 
for it. 

KaTHERINE. (Painfully ) 1 don't feel th.it I ran 

stay (She crosses t<> Jack down R.c. and gives 

him the )'iii</) 

Jack. Katherine! 

[CATHERINE. You're not fair to Jarvis. lie has 
;i good reason for everything he does and says. 
lie's thought more aboul this war than any of us. 

Jack. [Catherine — you're not really going 

{Catherine. I — I am (Exit Katherine, 

greatly distressed, controlling herself with diffi- 
culty. She goes out to hall to R, ) 

Janet. (Following her off) Oh, Katherine — 
don't go! 

Jack. My God— while I've been off at the front 

— that rotten slacker (lie drops despondently 

in a chair L. of tea table, and Victor puts his hand 
on his shoulder in sympathy ) 

Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Slacker I I've stood 
a good deal, hut Ell not st;m<l that! 

Pryor. (Up l.c.J Well, by the- gods, Margaret, 

I've given my only hoy to this war, and I've given 
UP my business. I stand to lose everything that 

I've been living for because I've come tu realize 

like millions of others that everything is at stake 
th.it makes life in this whole world worth living for. 
Every ideal that our country has believed in these 
Huns are against. There's no democracy, there's 



46 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

no freedom, no kindliness, there's no decency pos- 
sible if they win. It's the Day of Judgment for 
humanity ! And you're chattering around here like 
a ground-hog in an earthquake because your own 
little burrow has been disturbed! 

(Ready everybody for calls* at end of Act) 

Mrs. Russell. I certainly sha'n't stay another 
moment in a house where my son is called a slacker, 
and I'm called a ground-hog and I have been prac- 
tically accused of being a German agent! (Exit 
to hall to rJ 

Pryor. (Going up to hall door) A German 
agent ! 

Victor. (Consoling Jack) Oh, don't you care, 
Shack. There will be girls enough left in the world. 

Jack. Yes — but I've been thinking about her 
and counting on her. I thought when I came 
back 

Pryor. (Coming dozvn to c.) What does she 
mean by calling herself a German agent? 

Everett. (Crossing up stage to l. of table l.) 
I'm beginning to think there's something seriously 
wrong. (Taking out his pocketbook, he draws from 
it a letter.) Look at this — we're all in the lodge. 
(Pryor beckons Victor to come. He goes to back 
of table and Victor pauses at upper r. corner) 
This came across from Switzerland to a man in St. 
Louis. It was hidden in a newspaper. 

Pryor. What is it — a piece of pianola roll? 

Everett. No — it's a very simple cipher. We 
made several copies and sent on the original, and 
kept an eye on the fellow's mail. That <■ was some 
months ago. 

Pryor. Cipher ! 

Everett. Yes, and this is what it's the key to. 
(Shozving another paper) This arrived the other 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 47 

day. Look here, Jack. (Jack joins them, and sits 
r. of table) Yoa see it's an innocent-looking, per- 
sonal message, asking this fellow if he can get news 
of a girl named Margaret, and rustle it along to 
him, and so forth. Now here's what this key gives 
you — "Recover package with Mrs. Margaret Rus- 
sell, Washington. Important. Destroy unread." 
Bear in — that's Baron — Fife. (Pointing down the 
lines) — in — that's Baron von Feiffen. 

Pryor. What 

Jack. What does it mean? 

Everett. Well, I'll tell you what I think it 
means. That isn't from von Feiffen. It's probably 
from some official in Germany who has learned that 
von Feiffen left incriminating records here. 

Pryor. With Margaret Russell? 

Everett. That's what he says. 

Jack. Do you mean it's true she's a German 
agent ? 

Everett. If she's doing it, she's doing it inno- 
cently for von Feiffen. She's been pretty thick with 
him and so has Jarvis. I should think they were 
documents that von Feiffen was afraid to take away 
from here, but didn't want to destroy. I don't mean 
that they incriminate him so much as they do his 
government. You see if they were something that 
would incriminate him, he'd have destroyed them 
before he left. 

Victor. I knew it — that Sharvis — he is a spy! 
Eh bien, this will fix everything all right for you, 
Shack! (To Everett J You will shoot him! (r. 
of Jack,) 

(Warn curtain) 

Pryor. Good heavens — no ! We don't do things 
that way ! 

Everett. Not so fast ! We have nothing but a 
suspicion. 

Victor, (r. of Jack) What is it you want? We 



48 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

had one in our trench — we did not take chances wit' 
him. Leave this Sharvis to me. (Putting on his 
cap) Where is it that he lives? 

Jack. (Turning toward him) Holy smoke, Vic- 
tor ! You can't do that — wait a minute 

Victor. He is a slacker — he is a pro-German — 
he is a spy. What more is it that you want ? I will 

find him — good-bye (He crosses and gets cap 

from sofa and rushes up c.) 

Everett. Sergeant Fontaine, you obey orders ! 
( Victor comes to salute) You leave this affair to 
your superior officers. ('Victor takes off his cap 
and moves down, rather crestfallen, to corner of 
tea-table) 

Pryor. There must be some mistake. These 
people have always been all right. Margaret has 
probably talked the boy out of going to the front 
because she couldn't stand losing him. And when 
this Senator — what's his name — that he's working 
for — he owes his election to a German vote, and 
he's given him a wrong slant on the war and all 
the rest of it. You boys ought to take him in hand 
and get this stuff out of him. What that feller 
needs is a friend. 

Victor. What he needs is an enemy ! (Turning 
to r.c. Jack goes to him and throzvs his arm over 
Victor's shoulder as if in accord with him) 

Everett. You're right — what he needs is an 
enemy, and if these von Feiffen papers are what I 
think they are, I've found one for him. (He picks 
up Jiis papers composedly, and puts them in his 
pockctbook. They all turn and look at him in puz- 
zled expectancy) 

CURTAIN 

CALLS : Entire company. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 49 



ACT II 

Scene : — The same. 

The following night at about eleven-thirty. 

(Ready door bell.) 

At Rise the stage is clear. The telephone is ring- 
ing insistently. Charlotte enters r. 3rd., ap- 
parently ready for bed. She looks at the tele- 
phone with rolling eyes, goes toward it reluct- 
antly, then up to the entrance to hall at back 
and calls. 

Charlotte. Fai'fax — Fai'fax! (She grumbles 
to herself at receiving no reply) Whar' is dat ole 
black slacker — I dun know (Goes to the tele- 
phone as it rings again, and after some hesitation, 
takes the receiver and puts it to her ear) Hello — 
hello — dat's what I say — hello. No, suh, Cap'n 
Ev'rett — I caint hea' nuffin — wha' — wha' — I caint 
hea' nuffin. Dar's no use ringin' dis yere telumphun 
— dar's nobody home — dar's nobody home. (She 
hangs up with relief ) I dun cain't tell wha' folks 
is sayin' unless I can see deir faces movin'. (Enter 
Fairfax from hall, coming from r. She moves to 
him) Fai'fax, whar' was yo' when I called? Yo' 
know I don' eber ansa de telumphun. Wha' yo' 
doin' sno'in' yo' black head off so loud yo' cain't 
hea' me callin'? It's only ha' pas' ten. (She drives 
him step by step a little to r. as she speaks) 

Fairfax. Ha' pas' ten ! — It's ha' pas' 'leben, 
woman. 



5o "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Charlotte. It's ha' pas' ten, yo' fool nigga' yo' ! 
Dat's God's time. Yo' cain't change dat. Yo' dun 
got no right sleepin' at ha' pas' ten. 

Fairfax. Cha'lotte, yo' wasn' sleepin' at ha' pas' 
six dis mo'nin', was yo'? 

Charlotte. Suttenly I wasn' sleepin' at ha' pas' 
six dis mo'nin'. Wha' — wha' yo' all say dat for? 

Fairfax. I say dat coze it wan' no ha' pas' six. 
It was ha' pas' five yo' wasn' sleepin' dis mo'in'. 
Yo' was savin' de daylight fo' de Gove'ment, 
woman. 

Charlotte. Yo' can't tell me nuffin' 'bout dat. 
I know all 'bout dat — savin' de daylight fo' de 
Gove'ment. We'se talkin' 'bout de night time. Yo' 
cain't save no daylight in de night time, an' it's ha' 
pas' ten an' no mo'! Ole fool nigga — t'ink I don't 
don't know daylight from da'kness. Yo' don't know 
black from white, I reckon. Mebbe yo'all be sayin' 
yo'se a light cullid nigga nex'. (The door bell is 
heard) 

Fairfax. (Hurrying up to hall) Go 'long, 
woman. Yo' go 'long. (Passing her, then turning 
in doorway) Yo' cain't be seen roun' yere like dis 
— all negglijay ! 

Charlotte. (With a yell) Wha'! (He 

jumps, going out quickly to hall to L.J Wha' dat 
yo' calls me? — naked like a jay? Dat ole man's dun 
gone crazy. He makes me so mad he drives de hope 
o' heben right out o' my soul. Ole fool nigga — he's 
got no edumencation. (She starts to go to door R.3 
when Mrs. Russell enters quickly from l. of hall, 
followed by Katherine. Fairfax is seen passing 
through hall and off to R.) Oh — Miss Russell, 
ma'am 

Mrs. Russell. (Coming down to c.) Charlotte, 
has Mr. Jarvis been here? (Katherine moves 
down to chair R. of table l. and sits, facing Mrs. 
Russell,) 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 51 

Charlotte. No, ma'am, not since he was hea' 
yeste'day. He don' come hea' reg'lar, ma'am. 

Mrs. RiTSSELL. No — I know, hut I left a mes- 
sage for him telling him to meet me here to-night. 

Charlotte. Well, if it was one o' dem yere 
telumphun messages, Miss Russell, ma'am, he'll 
never get it. 

Katiierine. I don't believe he'll come here. 

Mrs. Russell. Where is everybody? 

Charlotte. Eberybody's out somewhar, ma'am. 
Miss Augusta an' dat yere plasterfist am dun gone 
ter de movies, an' Miss Janet an' de Blue Debil dey 
dun gone ter sell libe'ty bombs an' dere's no 'countin' 
fo' de res' ob de fambly. 

Mrs. Russell. Well, Charlotte, I've got to stay 
here. Our house was broken into last night. (Giv- 
ing Charlotte her motor coat) 

Charlotte. Bu'gla's, ma'am — yo' don' mean 
bu'gla's? 

Mrs. Russell. (Going back of table l. to tele- 
phone) Yes, burglars, and I can't stay there. 

Charlotte. Dat's right, ma'am, don' yo' do it. 
I say when bu'gla's bust into de house yo' jes' get 
right out an' leb it to 'em — yes, ma'am 

Mrs. Russell. What rooms was Miss Augusta 
going to give us, Charlotte ? 

Charlotte. Your rooms am all ready an' 
waitin', ma'am, an' yo' won' fin' no bu'gla's in dere. 
(Katherine rises and gives her motor coat to 
Charlotte,) 

Mrs. Russell. (Sitting back of table and taking 
the receiver) Well, Charlotte, I wish you'd go and 
make sure. 

Charlotte. I'll tell yo' wha' I will do, Miss 
Russell, ma'am, I'll go an' sen' dat old man, Fai'fax 
ter see. (Exit c. to rJ 

Mrs. Russell. Hello — hello, Central — 5200, 
Franklin — yes 



52 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Katherine. (Standing r. of Mrs. RussellJ 
I'm sure he won't come here. 

Mrs. Russell. If I could get hold of him, I 
don't care where I see him — I've got to see him to- 
night. Hello — has Mr. Jarvis Russell come in yet? 

Katherine. Well, he can't have gone out of 
town or he would have told me when I 'phoned him 
last night. I don't understand why he didn't get 
the message we left in the office. 

Mrs. Russell. When the Senator's away you 
never find him in the office. Hello — oh, he hasn't. 
Then he hasn't got my message. What? — Well, I 
left a message for him. Will you please see if it's 
still there? (To Katherine ) Since all these out- 
siders came to Washington the telephones haven't 
been a bit of good. 

Katherine. You know I don't like to stay with- 
out Jarvis knowing that we're here. 

Mrs. Russell. You're very considerate of him, 
my dear. As his mother I've found it easier to give 
consideration to Jarvis than to get it from him. 

Katherine. (Thoughtfully crosses to chair l. 
of the table r.) Oh 

Mrs. Russell. (Into 'phone) Then it's still 
there? (A pause) Well, will you please be sure 
to see that he gets it the moment he comes in? 

(Enter Jack from hall, coming from l.) 

Jack. (Delightedly) I thought that was your 
car. 

Mrs. Russell. (Rather fatly, as she rises) 
We're back you see. 

Jack. (A little embarrassed) Yes — yes — I 

see (To Katherine as he goes to her) I'm 

glad to see you. 

Mrs. Russell. (Moving up to door c.) Well, 
I do think, Jack, that you owe me an apology, but 
I'll not insist upon it. There's one thing I've made 
up my mind not to fight about, and that's the war. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 53 

There are too many people fighting about that now. 
(Exit to hall going r.) 

Jack. (Eagerly) Does that mean you're going to 
stay? 

Katherine. (Standing in front of sofa r.) 
Well, we've been driven out of Hilltop by burglars. 

Jack. (In front of tea-table) Burglars! 

Katherine. (Sitting on sofa) Yes, somebody 
got into the house last night and ransacked the place 
from top to bottom. 

Jack. (Sitting L. of tea-table) Why, you must 
have had a scare. 

Katherine. What puzzles us is — they didn't 
take a thing apparently. Mrs. Russell's money and 
everything right in plain sight — mine too. 

Jack. What did you do? — Did you call the 
police ? 

Katherine. No, she wouldn't. She called up 
Captain Everett, but couldn't get him, and we've 
been trying all day to get — someone else, but 
couldn't — and we'd no place to go. 

Jack. (Hitching his chair a little tozuard her) 
Well, I'm awfully sorry — about the burglars, but 
I'm glad it brought you back here, so I can get a 
chance to a — to see you again. I wanted to explain. 
When I offered you that ring last night — and every- 
thing — I didn't know that you and Jarvis were 

Are you engaged to him? 

Katherine. Why, no — not exactly 

Jack. (He rises and goes to her) Because — I've 
been thinking since last night that you didn't under- 
stand — I didn't tell you — and I couldn't write it 
with those censor ginks reading a fellow's letters, 
you know — but over there I've been thinking that 
when I got back- 



Katherine. Oh, Jack- 



Jack. (Sitting beside her on sofa) And if it 
isn't too late 



54 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 
Katherine. Jack, I'm awfully sorry- 



Jack. (Taken back) No — that's all right — I 
don't want you to be unhappy about it. Russell's 
all right, I guess — if you feel that way about him, 
and it's a good deal better for you than a man 
you don't know whether he'll ever come back, or 
how much of him'll come back 

Katherine. Oh, don't, Jack! 

Jack. You know army life's kind of lonely and 
over there you get thinking a lot of things that 
aren't so, and you forget that people at home go 
on living their own lives. 

Katherine. I didn't know, Jack — you never said 
a word — I never thought of you that way 

Jack. No — I know — it's awfully hard for me to 
say things — but — I wish you would take that ring, 
Katherine — I've been carrying it around for you, 
and Geraud gave it to me for you — and it 'u'd mean 
a lot to me to have you have it. 

Katherine. No, Jack, you keep that for the 
girl you do marry. 

Jack. (Despondently) Oh, gee, Katherine, 
that's all up for me. I never could have thought 
of marrying anyone but you. I never saw a girl 
in my life I cared a cent about except you. I'd 
be satisfied if you just kept it and let it remind you 
of me once in a while. 

Katherine. (Rising and standing at foot of 
sofa) No — no — Jack — I can't take it. 

Jack. (He rises and stands beside her) You 
could explain to Jarvis so he wouldn't be sore about 
it 

Katherine. No — no — it isn't that 



Jack. Well, if it's just between you and me, 
wouldn't you like to have something in case I stay 
over there — just so I could think you liked me 
enough to remember me and had something around 
you that belonged to me ? You know there are lots 




VIOLA ALLEN 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 55 

of times over there when a feller needs a friend, 
and likes to feel there's someone home thinking of 
him 

Katherine. (Almost in tears, turning to him) 
Oh, Jack — give it to me! (Taking the ring) Of 
course I want something to remember you by — I 
can't stand having you talk like that. Of course 
you're coming back, and I'll wear it till you do. 
I've always been fond of you 

Jack. Katherine! (With a move to her) 

Katherine. (Checking him) Same as I have 
of Janet — and I don't care what anybody thinks ! 

Jack. Well, if you feel that way about it, I don't 
care who you marry — as long as it can't be me 

(Enter Janet and Victor from l. of hall. Victor 
goes to r.c, l" of tea-table) 

Janet. (Coming down to l.c.J Oh, Katherine, 
when did you come? I hope you haven't been wait- 
ing here long. 

Katherine. Oh, no (Crossing to Janet, 

leaving Jack down r.) 

Janet. We've been at the theatre, selling liberty 
bonds. 

Victor. Good evening, Mademoiselle. 

Katherine. Good evening, Monsieur Fontaine. 

Victor. To-night, Shack, from the stage they 
auctioned wit' me as if I were a very good bond 
liberte, vons savez. I am selled for ten t'ousand 
dollars to a beautiful lady. What you t'ink of that, 
eh, Shack? 

Jack. Oh, go on! They don't come beautiful 
with ten thousand dollars. 

Victor. (Going to piano as he speaks) Mais, 
apres that I am a discouragement — she would not 
take me togeter wit' that bond. That is what I ex- 
pect. (They all laugh) I am what you call left. 



56 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

(He is seated at piano, looking at music on the 
rack) This is the song they sang at the theatre to- 
night. (He begins at once to play and sing it) 

"Berlin ! Berlin ! We're marching to Berlin ! 
We're in ! We're in ! We're in the war to win !" 

(Janet crosses to sofa and sits, leaning back against 
piano, singing with him. Katherine moves 
up to hall, Jack joins her and they soon move 
out of sight to r.) 

"We come from God's own country, in the ships 
of Uncle Sam," etc. 

Victor. (After the song, rising) Oh, that song 
— how I love her ! When I return to my France I 
shall go and sing her upon the bridge that is Mr. 
Wilson's ! You see how it is with me — already in 
English I sing very loud for you. (As he speaks 
he comes to upper l. corner of tea-table. Janet 
crosses near, at l. end of sofa) 

Janet. I wish I could sing the Marseillaise in 
French just as loud for you. 

Victor. I wish you would come across to my 
France and I shall teach it to you rapidement — 
very quick. 

Janet. Oh, I wish so, too! 

Victor. And I wish also when I have anot'er 
wound it shall be in your ambulance that I am car- 
ried back. 

Janet. But you see they won't let me go over 
with an ambulance because I have a brother at the 
front. 

Victor. (In sudden dejection) No? I had 
forgot about that ! And is it true — you cannot come 
until after the war? 

Janet. They won't let mothers or sisters or 
wives go over. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 57 

Victor. (With sudden inspiration) I know — 
there is one way you can go ! 

Janet. I'm afraid not 

Victor. (Leaning forzvard earnestly) Oh, but 
yes! You can go if you are the wife of a French- 
man! 

Janet. (Laughing in embarrassment, she rises, 
crossing to l.cJ Oh, that's a way I never dreamed 
of 

Victor. (Eagerly turning to her) But you will 
please dream of it now — it is a very good dream 
indeed. We shall talk about it — yes? What you 
say? (Jack and Katiierine move back into the 
room from hall coming from r.) 

Janet. (Hastily as she sees them) Oh — it's 
awfully late! You look as if you were going right 
away again, Katherine. (Joining Katherine up 

L.C.j 

Katherine. I am — to the garage with the car. 

Victor. (Going up c, between Katherine and 
Jack,) I shall go for you — permittez — moi, Made- 
moiselle. Come, Shack. 

Katherine. Oh, thanks! Monsieur Fontaine, 
I'll drive you around town to see all the sights worth 
seeing to-morrow, if you like. 

Victor. (Up c.) That will be so kind. Vous 
etes tres gentille, Mademoiselle. We shall go, Mees 
Janet? And we will leave behind us Shack, n'est- 
ce pas? 

Jack. (r. of him) You do and you'll be a sight 
worth seeing. 

(Ready door bell.) 

Victor. There is no car in the world that I 
cannot drive somehow. 

Jack. How about the car that turned turtle 
with you on the road to Soissons? 



58 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Victor. Mais, that was not the car that turned 
over wit' me — that was the road. (Exeunt to hall, 
going to l.) 

Janet. (As she and Kathertne follozv them 
out, going to r.) {Catherine, I felt awfully bad 
when you went off that way yesterday. 

Katherine. Oh, never mind. We had to come 
back — we were frightened out of Hilltop by burg- 
lars. 

Janet. (Off stage) Burglars 

(Enter r. 3, Mrs. Russell, followed by Charlotte. 
Mrs. Russell goes directly to the telephone) 

Charlotte. (As they enter, pausing r.c. ) Yes — 
Miss Russell, ma'am, I've said ma min' an' I sho 
was nebber known to back down on it. 

Mrs. Russsell. (At 'phone) Hello — hello 

Charlotte. (Crossing and standing r. of her) 
Dis is ma final oletmatter 

Mrs. Russell. Give me 8400-Main, please. 

Charlotte. Dey say as how eberybody in Wash- 
in'ton 'cep' Fai'fax an' me is gettin' some profiteers 
outer dis yere wa'. All de cullud folks is gettin' 
rich outer wha' deir boys ea'ns fightin' fo' deir 
country. Fai'fax an' me dun got no boys, an' we 
got ter puse've ourselves fo' de future. We all be 
gettin' a little ageful fo' long. 

Mrs. Russell. Hello 

Charlotte. We don' wan' much. We all be 
satisfied wi' mo' money an' mo' time to ourselves 
an' not so much wo'k to do 

Mrs. Russell. Charlotte, go and get Miss Kath- 
erine's room ready. 

Charlotte. Yes, Miss Russell, ma'am — I'se 
gwine — I'se gwine right along. (Exit c to r.) 

Mrs. Russell. Hello — hello — Frank? — This is 
Margaret — yes — I'm at home — I mean at the Pry- 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 59 

ors\ Well, something happened out there in the 
hills last night. I can't talk over the 'phone— I 
must see you. Can't you come over here right 

away? Oh, it isn't too late. Everybody's out 

(The door bell is heard. She continues more hur- 
riedly) Oh, is John there?— Well, tell him I'm 
back. (Fairfax passes through the hall from R. 
to l.J Yes— please do— come as soon as you can. 
(She hangs up as Jarvis bursts angrily into the 
room from l. of hall) 

Jarvis. Mother, what are you doing here? 
You've got to come away with me at once ! 

Mrs. Russell. Well, Jarvis, where have you 
been? I've called up your office again and 
again. (Rising and moving to r. of chair r. 
of table l. Fairfax moves through hall from L. 

Jarvis. I had to go down to the State Depart- 
ment this morning and I haven't been back to the 
Capitol at all. Is Katherine here too? 

Mrs. Russell. Of course 

Jarvis. You're not going to stay ! 
Mrs. Russell. Jarvis, I'm in trouble. The War 
Department has intercepted a letter telling German 
agents here to get a package that the Baron von 
Feiffen left with me ! 

Jarvis. German agents! 

Mrs. Russell. (She sits facing him below table 
l. He draws chair down from r. of table closer to 
her and sits) Yes, I saw the letter— in cipher. 
Frank Everett showed it to me. 
Jarvis. Where is the package? 
Mrs. Russell. Why, there isn't any— that's the 
strange part about it, Jarvis. He never left a thing 
with me, and last night someone broke into the 
house and went through everything I possess out 
there. I'm terribly upset. I don't know whether 
it was the Germans or the secret service people. I 



60 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

couldn't stay there another night ! I don't know 
what to do. I've sent for Frank. , 

Jarvis. (After a slight pause) Mother, the 
Baron left a package with me. 

Mrs. Russell. (Aghast) With you — Jarvis! 

Jarvis. Why, it wasn't anything — I was in his 
room one night when he was packing up, and he 
took down a lot of old photographs off his mantel, 
and a lot of old letters out of his desk — he didn't 
want to burn them and he didn't want to lug them 
around with him — that was all — and he asked me 
to keep them till he got back. 

Mrs. Russell. Why should he want to keep 
them? 

(Ready door slam) 

Jarvis. Oh, I don't know — sentiment, I guess. 
Some of them were love letters, he said. I put the 
package away and forgot all about it. 

Mrs. Russell. Where ? — where is it ? 

Jarvis. I think I left it in one of my trunks when 
we got out of here. 

Mrs. Russell. We must get it and destroy it. 

Jarvis. Better not say anything about it. It's 
you they're after, not me. (He rises and goes to 

R.Cj 

Mrs. Russell. (Excitedly following him, and 
seizing him by the arm) But they'll search this 
house — if they haven't already. I don't mind the 
German agents so much as the secret service. They 
think it may be something important to this Gov- 
ernment. (He makes a move to r. again and she 
stops him) You see, Jarvis, there must be some- 
thing beside letters and photographs. If the secret 
service people should get them, it would be hard to 
explain that we aren't mixed up with the Germans 
— especially after the way you declared yourself 
here. Good heavens — they might intern us ! 




RICHARD BARRY, JR. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 61 

Jarvis. But, Mother, they don't intern Ameri- 
cans. 

Mrs. Russell. Well, indict us or something. 
Anyway, we'd be suspected and watched and dis- 
graced and (She draws him to sofa as she 

speaks, sitting above him) 

Jarvis. But, Mother, Baron von Feiffen wouldn't 
turn over important papers to me in that sort of 
way. He wouldn't know but I might leave them 
around where anyone would see them. 

Mrs. Russell. Didn't you look at them at all?. 
I should think you might have taken that precau- 
tion. 

Jarvis. W T ell, I couldn't help noticing that the 
one on top was a letter in your hand-writing 

Mrs. Russell. What! 

Jarvis. At any rate the envelope was. 

Mrs. Russell. (Taking him by the shoulders 
and shaking him in her excitement) Where are 
they? — Where are they? — We've got to get them — 
we've got to burn them at once — if any of them 
are my letters ! I'd rather be mixed up with the 
German war plots than have my letters read by the 
Federal officers and military men — like Frank Ever- 
ett! 

Jarvis. (In blank astonishment ) Why, what 
sort of letters were they? 

Mrs. Russell. (Rising) What do you suppose? 
(Going to front of tea-table) 

Jarvis. (Disgustedly ) Oh — I thought you were 
through with that sort of thing. (Rising) 

Mrs. Russell. (Turning quickly) Now you 
needn't play Hamlet with me, Jarvis. Men always 
make love to me, and I was very fond of the Baron. 
I wrote a lot of foolish stuff that I wouldn't have 
anyone read for the world — it would kill me ! Jar- 
vis, we've got to go through your trunks to-night. 

Jarvis. Where are they ? 



62 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Mrs. Russell. I don't know. We'll find out 
from Fairfax. (The outer door is heard to close) 
Wait — someone just came in ! You must come back 
later — when they've all gone to bed. I'll open the 
door for you. 

Jarvis. I've got my latch-key. (Crossing her, 
going to r.c.) 

Mrs. Russell. (In half-whisper. Detaining 
him) Now, Jarvis, you've got to be more diplo- 
matic with these people here. You've got to apolo- 
gize. 

Jarvis. (Pulling away) Oh 

Mrs. Russell. (Putting her arms about him) 

Please — for my sake (Enter from l. of hall 

Pryor and Everett,) 

Pryor. (Cordially as he comes) Well, Marga- 
ret, I certainly am glad to see you back — and Jar- 
vis, too! (Holding out his hand to him) That's 
the right spirit, my boy ! 

Jarvis. (As they shake hands r.c.J I'm sorry 
I broke up the party yesterday, sir.. 

Pryor. That's the way to talk. 

Jarvis. How are you, Captain Everett? 

Everett. (More formally) Good evening, Jar- 
vis. (He goes to back of table l.) 

Mrs. Russell. (Crossing to Everett ) Frank, 
it was good of you to come to-night. 

Everett. Oh, not at all. 

Mrs. Russell. (Turning to Pryor J John, I 
wish you'd let me talk to Frank alone a minute. 

Pryor. Certainly — certainly (He moves 

toward door R.3J 

Jarvis. Well, good night, Mother — I'll see you 
to-morrow. (Going up to door c.) 

Mrs. Russell. Yes, Jarvis Good night. 

Pryor. Wait a minute, Jarvis — come and have 
a smoke. 

Jarvis. Thanks, I will. (Joining him up tu) 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 63 

Pryor. (As they go) I want you to tell me 
what they're doing in politics. I'm all mixed up 
with food — and anyway, we seem to have lost the 
politicians in this war. What are they doing? 
(Exit R.3. Everett and Mrs. Russell are silent 
for a moment. He looks at her with cool in- 
quiry) 

Mrs. Russell. (Rather embarrassed) Frank, 
you acted awfully suspicious and funny yesterday. 

Everett. Did I? 

Mrs. Russell. I don't wonder. Of course I was 
quite wrong to tear up that letter. I didn't realize 
what I was doing! 

Everett, (l. of table) Didn't you? 

Mrs. Russell, (r. of table) Of course I didn't. 
It was just a sudden impulse to get it out of the 
way. You know how I'd hate any disgraceful — 
er — common sort of publicity like that, and you 
ought to know me better than to put a wrong con- 
struction on anything I do. (Drawing the chair 
that Jarvis moved back to r. of table, she sits fac- 
ing him) • 

Everett. (Sitting l. of table) War creates new 
standards in judging individual motive. 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, don't be so — official ! You're 

not imagining that You don't really think that 

I'm — that I'm doing something to help the enemy, 
do you? 

Everett. I don't know yet what to think. Just 
why did you want to see me? 

Mrs. Russell. I want you to stop the secret 
service people. They broke into my house last 
night. 

Everett. How do you know it was the secret 
service ? 

Mrs. Russell. Because they did everything you 
would expect of second-story men except steal. 
(Appealingly) Frank, can't you arrange for me to 



64 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

see them privately ? I know I could convince them 
that I haven't any connection with the Baron von 
Feiffen. 

Everett. I don't think it was our men that broke 
into your house. 

Mrs. Russell. Then those Germans got a letter 
through to their agents here in spite of you. 

Everett. It would seem so. Margaret, there's 
something back of all this. Better make a clean 
breast of it. If the Baron left papers here of value 
to the Government, you want us to have them, don't 
you? 

Mrs. Russell. I swear to you, Frank, that he 
left nothing with me. 

Everett. Aren't we just going round and round 
in a circle? 

Mrs. Russell. Do you mean to say that you 
don't believe me? 

Everett. I wasn't in the least suspicious when I 
brought that cipher letter to show you. I am now. 
Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Frank, I'll never for- 
give you ! 

Everett. Sorry. 

Mrs. Russell. So you refuse to help me? (Des- 
perately) 

Everett. I've told you what I think is the best 
course for you to follow. 

Mrs. Russell. (Standing back of chair r. of 
table) You know I am just trying to avoid pub- 
licity and scandal, and if you were a real friend, 
you'd find some way to protect me. 

Everett. We're at war, Margaret. I'm in it to 
help protect the country, not my friends. I'm con- 
vinced that the Baron von Feiffen left important 
documents in your care and you couldn't make the 
Federal people believe to the contrary in a thousand 
years — you're too plainly guilty. You've got some- 
thing that the Germans are going to a good deal of 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 65 

trouble to get possession of, and I mean to get 
ahead of them. „ 

Mrs. Russell. Why— you might as well accuse 

me of treason ! 

Everett. Yes. , , 

Mrs Russell. Oh— you miserable coward! 

(She struggles helplessly for words in her rage and 

finally rushes from the room, going out to hall ana 

° Everett. (He sits again l. of table and draws 
the telephone towards him and takes the receiver ) 

Hello (He zvaits an instant for reply) Main 

__ 2 r 7 o— yes (He drops the receiver, takes out his 
cigarette case, and deliberately lights a cigarette, 
then as if hearing a voice, quickly picks up the re- 
ceiver again) Hello— give me B-22 (A pause) 

Hello This is Everett— yes. Send me a couple 

of men right away— Pryor's. (He hangs up and 
stands smoking, then goes up to c. door and calls, 
looking off R.c.j Where are you, John ? _ 

Pryor (Off R.J We're in here— in the dining- 
room. (Everett exits R.3. Enter Katherine and 
Tarvis c, coming from R.) 

Katherine. (Worriedly) W T hat do you want, 

Tarvis? « . .,, 

Jarvis. I want to know what you re doing with 

that ring. . . . , 

Katherine. Why, I'm wearing it. (Going to 
chair l. of tea-table R., leaning on the back of it) 

Tarvis. (l. of her) I thought you told me over 
the 'phone last night you'd given it back to him. 

Katherine. So I did, but he felt so badly about 
it I took it again. 

Jarvis. I don't care if he does feel badly. Let 
him find some one else to wear it for him. 

Katherine. (Turning from him, going to front 
of tea-table) I care, Jar— I'm not going to be un- 
kind to him. He's going back to the front and he 



66 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

wanted me to have something to remember him by 
in case he didn't return. 

Jarvis. (He turns her toward him and searches 
her face before he speaks) He's been making love 
to you ! 

Katherine. Well, he asked me — and I told him 
I'd never thought of him that way. And he asked 
me about you — and I told him, and I thought you 
wouldn't mind my wearing the ring out of friend- 
ship. 

(Ready door slam) 

Jarvis. I do mind ! I know what he's doing — 
he's making himself out a little hero going to the 
wars and he wants you to wear that ring so you'll 
keep thinking about him and annoy me. Here — 
give it to me! 

Katherine. (Crossing him to l.c.J No, Jarvis 
— I told him I'd wear it. 

Jarvis. (Following her) If you're going to wear 
any ring — after what you said last night, you're 
going to wear mine! (Trying to draw her into his 
arms) 

Katherine. He was afraid you'd be jealous, 
but I didn't think you'd be so small about it. (Mov- 
ing to lower end of table l.) 

Jarvis. (Following) He knew darn well I 
would. He knew what he was doing. He knew he 
was going to get up a quarrel between us, and he 
knew if I backed down on it, I'd feel like a fool 
every time I saw you wearing it. Give it to me! 
I'm going to give it back to him ! 

Katherine. (With difficulty) No. I can't. 

Jarvis. You can't! 

Katherine. (She moves to pass him and he 
blocks her way) No — good night 

Jarvis. Here — you can't go off and leave this 
thing up in the air this way I 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 67 

Katherine. (Moving in front of him, moving 
up) I don't want to talk about it. 

Jarvis. (Catching her hand as she passes him) 
Well, I want to talk about it. 

Katherine. (Breaking away ) No-good night. 
(She goes out quickly to hall and to R. He follows 
up to c door and stands watching her for an in- 
stant then exclaims) _ 

Jarvis. Damn '.-Damn him ! (Enter Pryor r. 3 , 
followed by Everett; 

Pryor. What's the matter, Jar, blessing the 

Tarv'is (With an embarrassed laugh) Yes 

Pryor. (Crossing to back of table l Everett 
moves on more slowly, pausing up R.J What s ne 
done to you? 

Tarvis. Oh, nothing much. 

Pryor Well, you're luckier than some people. 

Jarvis. I was just going— good night. (Exit to 
hall to l.J 

Pryor. Good night. 

Everett. (As the door slams) Well, whatever 
he came for I guess he didn't get. 

Pryor. No, if she brought the stuff with her, she 
evidently didn't hand it over to him. (Sits L. of 

table l.) , „ ,1 • 

Everett. Oh, it may have been here all the time. 
Pryor. Yes — they left several trunks. 
Everett. (Going to r. of table l.) Where are 

they ? 

Pryor. In a room upstairs and two in a store- 
room in the basement. 

Everett. Better lock those rooms. 

(Jack and Victor enter c, coming from L.) 

Jack. (To R.cJ Wasn't that Jarvis we passed 
out there? 



68 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

(Ready at lights) 

Pryor. Yes — he was here to see his mother. 

(Everett sits on edge of table l. above chair r. of 
it. Jack moves down to sofa r. and sits) 

Victor, (c.) That is the only thing I do not 
like about this country. 

Pryor. What's that ? 

Victor. Well, you let so many of these people 
walk around who ought to be lying down some- 
where — very quiet. 

Pryor. Nonsense — he's all right. He's just been 
apologizing to me. 

Victor. Yes? — Well, that was polite. Maybe 
some day those Shermans will apologize to you for 
drowning the Liisitania, eh ? Maybe they will come 
to us French and say, "We have murdered your 
country — we have cut up to pieces your wives and 
your little children. It is too bad — we are so sorry 
— thank you — don't mention it." Oh — quelle in- 
famie! Your people are too patient. How can they 
hear the voice from all the wounds of my France — 
of England — of Italia, and not rush out from their 
houses — from their t'eatres — from everywhere upon 
that Shermany — that brutality — that enemy of man- 
kind, until he t'rows up his hands wet wit' bloods 
to scream, "Kamarad!" (Throwing himself in 
chair l. of tea-table) 

Pryor. That's all right — you wait. We may be 
slow, but we're thorough. 

Jack. Don't you worry, old bearcat. We want 
to start out with our gasoline tank full — we don't 
intend to stop at any halfway house. We intend 
to see that word "Kamarad" on the welcome arch 
as we roll across the Rhine. 

Everett. (Moving slowly to r.c.J Meantime, 
boys, how would you like to do a little sentry work ? 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 69 

(Jack and Victor spring to their feet. Victor is 
in front of tea-table, Jack to r., down a little, and 
Everett l. of them) I rather expect enemy agents 
to drop in here to-night. They were out at Mrs. 
Russell's place in the country, and I think they'll 
follow her here. 

Jack. After those things of von Feiffen's? 

Everett. Yes, apparently. 

(Warn door slam) 

Jack. Where do you think they are? 

Everett. I don't know. She denies that she has 
them. I want you to keep your eyes open to see 
if something doesn't happen to indicate where they 
are. 

Jack. (Taking out a flashlight and looking it 
over) You mean she may go prowling around 
here after them? 

Everett. Yes. I'm putting men on the house. 
I'll watch upstairs myself and you two take this 
floor. 

Pryor. (Rising and moving up above table to 
c. door) Pshaw ! I'm going to bed. If anybody 
tries to break in, come up and tell me about it. 
(Yawning. Exit c. to r.J 

(Put out strip light off R.3J 

Victor. This is what I shall enjoy — fighting the 
Boche in America. 

Everett. Don't do any killing, sergeant. 

Victor. I may not kill a Boche if I catch one? 

Everett. Not in a strange parlor. I'll walk 
around the Circle and pick up our men. Have you 
a latch key? 

Jack. (Moving up to r. of Everett,) Here's 
one. (Giving him key) 



70 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Everett. Make a noise about saying good night 
to me, and by the way, you'd better make believe 
you've turned in and then pussy-foot down here 
again. (Moving up to hall) 

Jack. (Following him and raising his voice) 
Well, good night, Captain. 

Everett. (Loudly) Good night. 

Victor. Good night, Capitaine. 

Jack. Good night. 

(Exit Everett, going out c. to l., closing the outer 
door with a slam. Jack and Victor begin to 
sing the Berlin song as they move up stage. 
Jack pushes the button in panel r. of c. door. 
This puts out the lights in brackets on the 
walls, piano-lamp, and lamp on table up l., 
also white and amber in footlights, and the 
same in first border, leaving blue in footlights 
two points up, faint blue lamp on backing at 
window, none in border. When Jack reaches 
hall, he puts out lamp on table there. At the 
same instant the third border goes down to 
two points up, and the strips and all other stage 
lights, except those mentioned, are out. House 
must be dark. The boys are heard singing as 
they go upstairs. IV hen all is quiet, Charlotte 
counts five and enters r.i. She crosses, 
mumbling to herself, to window l. She fum- 
bles there a moment and fastens it. Jack and 
Victor enter quietly from r. of hall. Char- 
lotte hears them and utters a stifled cry of 
fright) 

Charlotte. Oh, God a'mighty, sabe me ! Who 
all's dat? 

Jack. (In a threatening whisper) Throw up 
your hands! (Turning the flashlight on her) 

Charlotte. (Holding out her hands and com- 
ing forzvard) Oh, don' yo' tech me — don' yo' tech 




O. P. HEGGIE 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 71 

me! I ain' gwine ter do nuffin' — I ain' gwine to 
make a soun' ! I'se gwine right back ter ma bed 
an' make b'lieve I ain' nebber saw no bu'gla's. Yo' 
can carry off ebe'yt'ing in dis yere house fo' all o' 
me. ^ 

(Ready at lights again) 

Jack. (Sotto voce, as if in great surprise) Why, 
Charlotte — you old scamp! 

Charlotte. Is it you, Marse Jack? Is it sho 
you an' dat blue debbil? I 'clare to goodness I 
t'ought de bu'gla's was in hea' a'ready. 

Victor. What is it, Shack? Is it that she was 
trying to let someone in ? 

Charlotte. Let dem in! Why, golly days, I 
jes' came down ter see dat de windas was all fas'en 
up tight. So much talk 'bout bu'gla's roun' yere, 
I sho couldn't sleep a wink. 

Jack. You go back to bed and keep quiet, Char- 
lotte, or I'll tell everybody what you said. 

Charlotte. (Moving down to door r.i) I'se 
gwine — I'se gwine. It's mighty lucky fo' yo', Marse 
Jack, dat yo' wasn' no bu'gla's. Jes' one minute 
mo' an' I'd a sho had de police on de run hea. 
(Exit r.i. The boys move down, stiffling their 
laughter) 

Jack. (Suddenly) Ssh — there's someone on the 
veranda! (Victor goes to window l. and peers 
out. He is at lower end, Jack above him) Is it 
Captain Everett? 

Victor. No — it is a man wit' a black hat. He 
is trying to open that window down there. 

Jack. Here — take off the latch. (Victor turns 
it carefully, then they conceal themselves on either 
side of the window and wait. Silence for a mo- 
ment, then the window is raised very slowly and 
carefully. In the dim light a head is seen, then 



72 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

the full bulk of a man's figure comes through and 
sprawls over the seat to the floor. Instantly Victor 
is upon him. They struggle around in front of 
table. Jack runs to them from above table to r. 
The three men struggle around once, and Nutley 
falls with Victor on him) 

Nutley. (In a muffled voice. It must not be 
recognised by the audience) Damn you ! Let me 
go. What do you take me for — a thief? 

Victor. (As they struggle) Mais oui— what 
you take yourself for? 

Jack. That's right, Vic, squeeze the wind out of 
him! 

Nutley. (Struggling for breath) It's all right 
—I'll explain. Tell this Frenchman to get off me ! 

(Pryor has dashed dozun in his pajamas, entering c. 
from l v and now switches on the lights. Foots 
and first border go up as they were with lamps 
and bracket lights. Lights in hall are not turned 
on during balance of act) 

Pryor. (r.) What's this? Have you got him 
safe ? ( Nutley sits on his knees, his face showing 
for the first time) Good Lord, it's Nutley ! 

Jack. Nutley ! 

Nutley. The devil take you— let me up ! 

Jack. (Victor gets up reluctantly) What are 
you doing here anyhow? 

Pryor. Why didn't you say who you were? 

Nutley. (Getting up and pulling himself to- 
gether) I couldn't— he had me by the throat. 

Victor. I beg a t'ousand pardons, Monsieur. 

Nutley. These damn soldiers come back from 
the front and want to kill the first man they see! 
(Sitting r. of table lJ 

Victor. They would not permit me to kill you. 

Nutley. Kill me ? What you want to kill me 
for? 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 73 

Jack, (r.c.) Well, you came in here as if you 
thought you were on a trench raid. 

Nutley. I came in to open the door for Miss 
Augusta — she forgot her key. 

Jack. (Rushing out to hall to l.) What — Aunt 
Gus! Well, this is war! (Pryor moves to l.c.J 

Nutley. (Almost hysterical, sitting down in 
chair near him) I knew this war'd get me yet. A 
man isn't safe anywhere. And nobody'll listen to 
the plans I've got for ending it. 

Pryor. (r. of him) Now look here, Nutley, 
don't start to act as if you'd had shell-shock. 

(Jack enters from l. of hall, supporting an almost 
hysterical Augusta) 

Augusta. (As she comes) Why, what's hap- 
pened? What is it? 

Jack. (As he leads her dozvn and seats her l. 
of tea-table) You nearly lost him, Auntie. 

(Janet and Katherine, in pretty negligees, come 
to hall entrance from R.) 

Augusta. Oh, how dreadful! 

Janet. (To r.c, facing Augusta ) What's the 
matter ? 

Katherine. (c.l. of her) What is it? 

Pryor. Go back to bed, girls — Aunt Augusta's 
the burglar. 

Augusta. Yes 

Janet. Aunt Augusta — all that noise! 

Jack. (Standing back of Augusta) She and 
Mr. Nutley tried to get into the window and got 
held up on the barbed wire. (He moves r. of tea- 
table to front of sofa. Katherine to back of tea- 
table) 

Janet. Why, Aunt Augusta! 



74 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Augusta. Well, Janet, I forgot my keys. 

Janet. Aren't you scandalous ? 

Augusta. (Coyly) I suppose you thought I 
was snug in bed. 

Pryor. Woman, what are you doing out at this 
time of night, anyhow ? 

Augusta. Why, John, we walked home from 
the movies — it's such a lovely moonlight night. I 
didn't realize how late it was. Then when I found 
I'd forgot my key I didn't want to wake up every- 
body, so Mr. Nutley said he'd climb in through the 
window. (Everybody exclaims, "Why, Mr. Nut- 
ley!" and turn, looking at him to his confusion. 
Jack sits on sofa) He always thinks of a way out 
of every difficulty, you know. Then when I heard 
all those awful sounds I nearly fainted. What did 
they do to you, Oliver? (She rises) 

Nutley. Oh, it's all right, but it might have 
been a tragedy. 

Augusta. (Her hand on her heart) A tragedy ! 

Victor. (Excitedly ) I t'ought he was a Fritzie. 

Augusta. A Fritzie! Oh — my heart! (Drop- 
ping into a chair, the girls run to her. Nutley 
rises) 

Janet. Aunt Augusta! 

Pryor. (l.cJ What's the matter now? 

Augusta. (Gasping) It's palpitation. 

Pryor. Palpitation ! Now, Augusta, you stop 
that — stop it right there! 

Augusta. Now, John, I can't. When my heart 
acts this way — all fluttery — you know what it 
means. 

Pryor. Yes, I know 

Augusta. Can't you hear it, Oliver? 

Katherine. Let us help you up to your room, 
Miss Augusta. 

Augusta. Oh — oh — it flutters so! (Rising, she 
moves to c, assisted by Katherine,) 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 75 

Pryor. Yes, take her upstairs and get her out 
of those tight things. 

Augusta. (Reviving for an instant) Well, the 
things you have on are loose enough. 

Pryor. What do you expect — rouse a man out 
of a sound sleep? 

Augusta, (c.) Quick— run quick, Janet— my 
drops — five in a little water, you know. 

Janet. (From r. of her, hurrying out to hall to 
r.) Yes, Aunt Augusta. 

Augusta. I don't seem to stand any excitement 
at all since the war broke out. 

Victor. (Running to l. of her. Pryor moves 
a little out of his way to L.) Oh, Mees Kat'erine, 
I shall help you! Permittez-moi, Madame — I 
shall carry you! (Putting his arms about her and 
quickly lifting her) 

Augusta. Oh, what are you doing? No — no — 
you can't ! Oh — my heart ! 

Jack. (Seated on sofa r., laughing) Go to it, 
little ambulance ! 

Augusta. No — no ! 

Victor. Do not be afraid, Madame. 

Augusta. Oh, you'll drop me— I know you'll 
drop me! 

Pryor. (He has moved to back of table l.) 
Make it five drops in a little water. 

Augusta. Oliver, you take me— you're so strong 
— you're the only one I'll trust myself to. 

Nutley. Well, really, you know, I'm kind of 
used up myself, and I'm afraid of heart disease— 
I was close to a man once that fell dead with it. 
(He sits again r. of table L.) 

Augusta. (With a change as she hears him) 
Oh. let me down — let me down — I'm feeling better! 
(Victor puts her gently back on her feet) I really 
am feeling better. You know that's the way with 
palpitation — it passes off just as suddenly as it 



76 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

comes. It isn't heart disease, Oliver — it's indiges- 
tion. You know what we had for dinner, John. 

Pryor. Yes, I know 

Augusta. I really am quite all right again. 
(Going up to c. door) Good night, Oliver. 

Nutley. Good night. (Exit Augusta, leaning 
on Katherine, to r. of hall. Victor follows them 
off) I feel as if I needed a stretcher. 

Pryor. (With a move to r.) Wouldn't you like 
a nip of something, Nutley? I've got a little first 
aid put by, you know. 

Nutley. (Rising, following him up) Thanks — 
no stimulants. My brain gives me no rest as it is. 
Do you know as I put my head in at that window 
an idea struck me — an idea that will solve our prob- 
lem. 

Pryor. (Up R.cJ Our problem? — What prob- 
lem? 

Nutley. (l. of him) Why, how to get propa- 
ganda over to the enemy. You know you were 
objecting that they'd be afraid to read it — that they 
wouldn't pick it up. 

Pryor. (In a hopeless tone) Were you thinking 
of that when you came in the window? 

Nutley. What the Germans want more than 
anything is soap. We'll give them soap. We'll 
give it to them wrapped up in a printed dodger. 

Pryor. But, Nutley, they'll take the soap and 
throw away the paper. 

Jack. (Comfortably seated on sofa) Any Ger- 
man I've seen — a cake of soap wouldn't do him any 
good — you'd have to drop him a barrel. 

Nutley. Well, then, if you won't have soap, say 
— candy — conversation lozengers — like we used to 
have when we were kids. We'll get a good adver- 
tising man to make up a lot of short slogans to go 
on them — like a — you know — "Eventually, why not 
now!" — Peace, you know. 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 77 

Pryor. Hell, Nutley — we haven't any sugar to 
throw away ! 

Nutley. Well, I don't care — there's an idea, if 
you'd be halfway open-minded about it. You've got 
nothing but objections — objections — like all the rest 
of these Government officials. When a man comes 
to you with a suggestion all you can think is reasons 
for not carrying it out. Why don't you meet it 
halfway, and go to work on it? 

Pryor. All right, I will. You go home and have 
a sleep and get the thing laid out properly in your 
mind. I'll take it up with you to-morrow — or next 
day. (Urging him on toward c. door) 

Nutley. (Moving up to hall) I've got it all 
laid out. I could dictate it all to a stenographer 
in half an hour. 

Pryor. Yes, but I have a feeling that you're 
trying to break into Germany through the window, 
and you haven't figured out what's waiting for you 
on the inside. 

Nutley. (As he goes, Pryor, following, looks 
back with a wink to Jack) Yes — and the only idea 
you people have is to batter in the front door. 
(Exeunt to hall, going to l. Enter Victor from r. 
of hall) 

(Ready lights, in room only, again) 

Victor. (Comes in quickly to r.cJ I do not 
think we will see that Fritzie to-night, Shack. 

Jack. (Rising) You're right — too much artil- 
lery. 

Pryor. (In hall, crossing from l. to r., with a 
yawn) Better go to bed, boys. 

Jack. (He is standing before tea-table) No, 
we're under orders. (Exit Pryor, going r. Jack 
closes the window l. and sits on seat. Victor sings 
the song, "Marching to Berlin.") 

Victor. (Sitting on lower r. edge of table l.) 



78 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

"We're in — we're in — we're in the war to win," etc. 

Jack. Vic, old top, have you a wife or sweet- 
heart in any port? 

Victor. (Breaking off his song) Comment? — 
what is that you say, Shack? 

Jack. Is there a Mrs. Fontaine, or anybody that 
ought to be, anywhere? 

Victor. Helas, no! Have you not seen how 
sometimes I have the melancholy very bad? That 
is when I am feeling so much all alone in the 
world. 

Jack. I have to see that little sister doesn't mis- 
place her young affections, vous savez. 

Victor. There is no danger, Shack, I do not 
know how to talk to an American girl. I cannot 
find the language for love. 

Jack. (Going above table to door c.) You've 
got nothing on me. I simply go tongue-tied. Are 
you like that? 

Victor. Ah, no — wit' me in my French the pas- 
sion is always eloquent. (He hums another strain 
of the Berlin song) 

Jack. (Pushing out the lights) All right, old 
eloquence, shut off the orchestra. (Lights go down 
as before, leaving two points blue in footlights and 
blue at window. Jack moves down r. Victor goes 
below table to window seat. After a moment, of 
silence, count five, there is a slight sound in the hall, 
then two figures. Everett and a Detective cross 
the opening at back, going from l. to r. Jack 
watches them) 

Victor. (Rising) Q'est-ce que c'est que ca? 

(Ready for Lights) 

Jack. The Captain. (Victor drops back, and 
Jack comes down to sofa r., and sits. The room is 
quite still for a space, long enough for Everett to 
pass through hall without meeting Mrs. Russell 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 79 

coming doivnstairs. Then Mrs. Russell is dimly 
seen at the hall entrance. She stands there in a 
listening attitude, peering into the room) 

Mrs. Russell. (In a half whisper) Jarvis — 
Jarvis ! (Jack rises silently and moves up r. of 
tea-table, above it) Oh, Jarvis, I thought you 
weren't coming. One of your trunks is in the store- 
room upstairs, but the door is locked. The other is 
in the basement. You'd better go down there and 
see if the letters are in that trunk. I'll go and find 
some keys. (Moving down R.J 

Jack. (Keeping in the shadow) Ssh — Yes 

(Whispering) 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, everybody's in bed. (She 
goes out r.i. Jack waits a moment, then crosses to 
Victor,) 

Jack. (Back of table l., in suppressed excite- 
ment) Did you get that? 

Victor. No, Shack (Getting up softly l. 

of table) 

Jack. That was Mrs. Russell. She thought I 
was Jarvis. They're looking for these papers. I'm 
going to tell the Captain. You wait here — keep out 
of sight. (Jack goes out to hall to r. Victor steps 
back of the window-hanging. Another moment 
passes. These spaces of time must be carefully ob- 
served. Then a man's figure is seen in the hall, com- 
ing from l. It is Jarvis. He comes a little way 
into the room, hesitant, then goes back to entrance 
and stands looking upstairs. After an instant he 
moves down into the room. Mrs. Russell enters 
down R.) 

Jarvis. (Going to meet her) That you, Mother? 

Mrs. Russell. (Meeting him down r.c.J Yes, 
here are some room keys. Did you look in the 
basement ? 

Jarvis. I've been waiting outside — a man was 
watching the house, so I moved on and waited. 



80 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Mrs. Russell. (In sudden alarm) What! 
Weren't you here — just a moment ago? 

Jarvis. I just came in. 

Mrs. Russell. (Frightened) Good heavens! — 
I took some one here for you and talked to him! 

Jarvis. Took some one for me ? 

Mrs. Russell. (Distractedly) I don't know 
what I said — oh — what did I say ? Something about 
the letters being in your trunk in the basement! 
You'd better go ! 

Jarvis. No — you go back upstairs. I'm going 
to get them. (Urging her up c.) 

Mrs. Russell. (Fearfully) You say a man was 
watching the house? 

Jarvis. Yes 

Mrs. Russell. (Distractedly) The secret ser- 
vice. Oh, dear — what shall I do? 

Jarvis. See here, Mother, you've got nothing to 
worry about. Go back upstairs. 

Mrs. Russell. But, Jarvis 

Jarvis. No — no — go on — go on ! (She moves 
out to hall reluctantly and to r. Jarvis waits a mo- 
ment watching her go, then he .res to door r.c, opens 
it cautiously and goes out, closing door. After a 
pause Victor comes from behind the hanging, count 
five and Jack enters from r. of hall) 

Jack. (Coming in quickly, speaking excitedly in 
suppressed voice) All right. We're to let him get 
the stuff and then grab him. 

Victor. (l.c Jack c.) He was here — he is 
gone down in the basement. 

Jack. Which way? 

Victor. (Indicating door up R.3) Out t'rough 
that door. 

Jack. Come on — let's follow him up. (Exeunt 
R.3. A pause, count five, and Katherine enters 
from r. of hall. She stands a moment, uncertain, 
goes out to l. then comes into the room and turns 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 81 

on the light. Lights up in room as before. She 1 
comes a little way into the room and looks about, 
rather afraid. She starts in alarm as Jarvis comes 
in hastily and very secretly down r. He turns and 
sees Katherine zvatching him) 

Jarvis. (He quickly closes the door after him) 
Katherine ! 

Katherine. (c.) Oh, it's you, Jarvis. Why, 
what are you doing? 

Jarvis. (Coming r.c. to her, a package of letters 
in his hand) Nothing — I thought you were in bed. 

Katherine. I saw you cross the street and 
come in. 

(Ready Everybody for Curtain Calls) 

Jarvis. Here, Katherine — take this up to your 
room for me — quick ! 

Katherine. (Taking a package from him) 
Why, what is it? 

Jarvis. Oh, it's nothing at all — there's been some 
mistake about it, and if I don't get it out of here, 
it'll make trouble for mother. It's some letters of 
hers. There comes some one ! — Hide them — hide 
them! I can't explain now — I'll tell you in the 
morning. (She quickly conceals the package in the 
folds of her dress) 

Jack. (Suddenly entering with Victor R.3, comes 
directly to r.c.) Oh, there you are ! 

Jarvis. (Turning to them. Katherine moves 
to below chair r. of table l.) Well, what's the mat- 
ter with you? 

Jack. (Holding Victor back as the latter seems 
about to spring upon JarvisJ I want those von 
Feiffen papers. 

Jarvis. Yes, I'd like to talk to you. You run 
along, Katherine. We've had a little misunder- 
standing here — we've got to straighten it up. 



82 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Katherine. Can't you explain it before me? 

Jack. No, Katherine, I think perhaps you'd bet- 
ter keep out of it. 

Victor. (Moving back and down a little to r.) 
Pardon, Mademoiselle, Shack is very gallant, but it 
is better for everybody that you know the t'rut'. 
This Sharvis has been down in the basement get- 
ting some Sherman information out of a trunk, and 
if he had not sneaked up by the way of the back 
stairs we would have caught him with them. He 
is a Sherman agent ! 

Jarvis. (l.cJ You crazy Frenchman — you've 
got German agents on the brain ! 

Katherine. (To Jarvisj What does he mean 
by German information? 

Jarvis. Oh, he doesn't know what he's talking 
about. Go on upstairs and leave this to me. 

Katherine. (Crossing Jarvis to l. of Jack,) 
No, — I want to know. 

Jack. Well, Katherine, this Baron von Feiffen 
was here at the German Embassy. He was a 
friend of theirs and left a lot of paper with them. 
That's why some one broke into your house 
last night at Hilltop. They were trying to get 
them. 

Katherine. Jarvis, is this true? 

Jarvis. (l. of her a little below) Don't you be- 
lieve it, Katherine — it's all a mistake. 

Jack. You'll find out whether it's a mistake or 
not. I know that you've got those papers, and 
you're liable to spend the next ten years in a Federal 
prison for aiding the enemy. 

Jarvis. Yes, you tricked my mother into talking 
to you here in the dark when she thought she was 
talking to me. 

Victor. (Quickly crosses to r. of Jarvis and 
Jack springs to l. of him. They struggle with him 
L.c. and search him) You are a pair — you ought 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 83 

bot' to be in prison ! Give them up ! (Katherine 
retreats up l.c. watching in fear) 

Jarvis. Take your hands off me ! I haven't any 
papers — you can search me if you want to. 

(Enter Everett from r. of hall. He comes to r.cJ 

Jack. (As Everett enters) If you haven't 
them, you've hidden them again. Captain Everett, 
he's been down in the basement and got the papers 
out of the trunk and he's hidden them somewhere 
on this floor. (Jack is below table l. Jarvis in 
front of chair r. of it. Victor above Jarvis r. of 
him) 

Everett. Well — I'll see that they don't get 
away. You're under arrest, and you'll stay here 
till you tell us where they are. (Coming to c. as he 
speaks) 

Jarvis. All right. When you find them you can 
shoot me if you want to! I'll never tell you where 
they are if I stay here till the fall of Berlin! 
(Dropping in a chair, tense and dogged. Katherine 
backs slowly across from up l.c. to hall and out to 
r., her eyes wide with fear) 

CURTAIN 

SECOND CURTAIN 

("Everett with a gesture directs Victor and Jack 
to make themselves comfortable. Jack sits l. 
of table l. Victor stretches himself out on 
sofa r. Everett draws armchair from up r. 
of c, door down to near tea-table and settles 
himself in it) 

THIRD CURTAIN 
Everybody 



84 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND' 



ACT III 

Time. — Early the next morning. 

Scene. — The same. The doors to hall are closed. 

(Ready door bell) 

Discovered. — Jarvis still seated where we left him, 
r. of table l., haggard and still determined. 
Jack is seated l. of the table, his elbows on it 
his chin in his hands, contemplating Jarvis 
blankly. Victor is lying on the sofa asleep, 
and Everett is sunken in a chair l. of it, with 
his legs outstretched. Nobody speaks for a mo- 
ment. Pryor bursts in suddenly coming from 
R-3>> 

Pryor. Well, has the jury agreed on a verdict 
yet? (Pausing c.) 

Everett. (Rising slozvly and stretching) No — 
the guilty man is still standing out for acquittal. 

Pryor. Any chance of his getting it? 

Everett. Not a chance in the world. 

Pryor. (r. of Jarvis, after looking at him stead- 
ily for a moment) Young man, it's too bad you 
couldn't be showing all this grit in a better cause. 
What's the matter with you anyway? (He turns 
to Everett J Have you let him see his mother yet? 

Everett. No. 

Pryor. Well, what are you going to do with 
him ? You can't keep him here forever, can you ? 

Jarvis. He hasn't any right to keep me here at 
all! This country isn't under martial law. If 




KMMKTT CORRJGAN 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 85 

you've got a case against me, you can prosecute 
me. I've a right to legal advice and I've a right to 
see my mother. 

Everett. You have a right to disgrace yourself 
and your mother publicly — if that's what you mean, 
but I'm trying to save you from it. You had those 
papers — there's the cipher message saying you had 
them, and your mother told Jack wljere you were 
to look for them — they saw you in the basement 
hunting for them. There's case enough to put you 
and your mother in a Federal prison for the next 
ten or twenty years. 

Jarvis. Well, I'll leave all that to the lawyers. 

Everett. I'm doing this out of friendship to you 
both. 

Jarvis. I don't want your friendship — I don't 
want any of your friendships. You let me out of 
here — that's all 1 want from any of you. 

Everett. It looks as if you'd only go out of here 
to go to jail. 

Jarvis. All right — jail'll be a relief after you. 

Victor. (Sitting up with a yazvn) It is a waste 
of time to try to make a spy talk wit' kindness. You 
are like those bully English wit' the soft heart. Be- 
fore they stick a Boche wit' a bayonet they say 
"Sorry, old man, — have to do it." 

Jack. (Turning front) I wish I could smell the 
chow. 

Pryor. Wait till I see if I can't hurry those 
darkies up with it. (Going up to hall door. As 
he opens it the door bell is heard) 

Everett. (Rising and moving up) Who's that? 
Don't let anybody in. (At hall, looking off l.J 
Pryor. goes out to l. in hall and Everett stands 
watching him. Fairfax comes from r. in hall, 
pausing there) All right, Fairfax, we'll attend to 
this. 

Pryor. (Coming in c.) Why, it's just an ex- 



86 "WHEN A FELLER NjEEDS A FRIEND" 

pressman with some of our belongings from home. 

Everett. (Up l.c.) I don't want anyone going- 
upstairs. 

Pryor. Well, they can leave them in the hall 
here. 

Everett. Yes, or they can bring them in here 
out of the way. No need to block up the hall with 
them. 

Pryor. Right in here — put them right in here. 
(Bartlett rolls in a barrel with a piece of gunny 
sack secured on the top of the upper hoop. He 
places it up r. near piano. Fairfax follows him in, 
pausing up r., zvatching and grumbling at him) 

Fairfax. (As Bartlett rolls the barrel in) Say 
— look-a-hea', mister 'spressman, I ain' wishin' ter 
be imp'lite, but dis ain' no steamboat wa'house. 
(Bartlett goes out to hall and returns at once with 
another secret service man, in the guise of an ex- 
pressman, carrying a large packing case) 

Everett. Here — put it anywhere. (Indicating 
a place l., not far from upper r. comer of table) 

Fairfax. (As the men drop the case l.) Don't 
drap dem things so keerless like — wha's matter wif 
you? 

Pryor. (As Bartlett gives him receipt book 
to sign. The other man goes directly out c. to lJ 
Any charges? 

Bartlett. No — all paid. 

Pryor. (Going into his pocket for change) Well, 
here you are. 

Bartlett. (Taking it) Oh, thanks. (Exit to 
hall to l.) 

Fairfax. (To c. door, watching them off) De 
fron' do's jes' ahead of you, an' yo' hoss's waitin' 
fo' you. (Turning into the room) Po' white trash ! 
(To Pryor zvho is l.c. J Scuse me, marse Pryor, 
but yo' breakfas' 's pupa'ad an' waitin', suh. 

Pryor. All right, Fairfax, put it on the table 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 87 

for us. (Exit Fairfax R.3J Are you going to 
bring the condemned man to breakfast? 

Everett, (l.c.,) Yes. 

Pryor. (Moving toward door R.3J It may 
loosen him up. I've noticed that coffee always 
makes people talkative. Too bad it's a dry town. 
Come along, boys. (Exit Pryor r.c. Jarvis rises 
suddenly when Mrs. Russell enters quickly from 
r. of hall, evidently in a desperate state of mind) 

Mrs. Russell. (Down to R.c.j Captain Everett, 
I want to talk to you ! 

Everett. Well ? 

Mrs. Russell. This is an outrage! 

Everett. Go ahead, Jack. You needn't wait, 
sergeant. 

Jack. (Crossing at back to R.3J It smells like 
ham and eggs. 

Victor. (Joining him up r.J Is this the time 
that your sister breakfasts herself? (Exeunt Jack 
and Victor up R.3J 

Everett, (c.) Now, Margaret, we'd better un- 
derstand each other. If I don't have those papers 
within half an hour, I shall telephone the Depart- 
ment of Justice and have the men come here with 
warrants for your arrest. 

Mrs. Russell, (r. of him) You can't do it! 
— you can't do it! 

Jarvis. (l. of him, down a little in front of table 
l.) Don't you let him bluff you, Mother. 

Everett. You're guilty of aiding the enemy by 
concealing a package of some sort or other that was 
left in your care by an agent of the German em- 
bassy. 

Jarvis. We haven't anything of the kind — we 
never had ! You can't make a case against us on a 
cipher that wasn't even directed to us. 

Mrs. Russell. I don't believe it referred to us 
at all. 



88 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Everett. Then why did you come down in the 
middle of the night to tell him where to find the 
package ? 

Mrs. Russell. I knew you were going to search 
the house, and I had a lot of letters — if you must 
know — foolish, personal letters from the Baron, 
written before the war, that I didn't want anyone 
to read, and I was afraid that — taken with the 
cipher message — they might arouse a suspicion 
against me. 

Everett. Show me those letters. 

Jarvis. (Quickly) I got them and I destroyed 
them. 

Everett. Yuu didn't have time to. 

Jarvis. (To Mrs. Russell ) There you are — 
there's no use talking to him — he won't believe you ! 
They've gone out on a spy hunt and they've got to 
find a spy. 

Mrs. Russell. Frank, after all the years you've 
known us — you can't really believe that we're Ger- 
man agents. Even if we have letters, you ought to 
know that we aren't trying to conceal anything from 
the Government to help the Germans. You ought 
to know that we aren't lying to you. 

Everett. If you have any such letters, you 
ought to know after all these years that you can 
trust me with them. It's no use, Margaret, you're 
not telling me the truth. 

Mrs. Russell. (Dropping in chair l. of tea-table 
— breaking dozvn and beginning to cry) It's shame- 
ful — it's shameful — keeping this boy here all night, 
torturing him ! As for me — I haven't slept a wink 
— worrying. 

Jarvis. Don't you worry about me, Mother, I 
can stand it as long as he can. (There is a knock at 
the hall door. Everett goes up as if to open it, 
turns quickly to look at them, then calls) 

Everett. Come in. 




HE LEX WESTLEY 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 89 

Katherine. (Katherine opens the door and 
enters, pale and distressed — pausing up R.c.) 
Captain Everett, will you let me speak to 
Jarvis ? 

Everett. (Up l.c.J Certainly. 

Katherine. (Going down to Jarvis J I want to 
talk to him alone. 

Mrs. Russell. (Rises. To Everett as she 
moves up to hall) If this had been in the old days, 
I'd have thrown you out of your commission so 
quick! You think because I've no friends here 
now (Exit to r. of hall) 

Everett. I'll leave you alone with Jarvis, but 
I'll have to put some one on these doors, and I'll 
have to watch him through the window. (He goes 
up to R.3, and calls) Jack ! 

Jack. (Off stage, out of sight) Yes, Cap- 
tain 

Everett. Will you see that nobody enters or 
leaves this room? 

Jack. Very well, Captain. 

Everett. Put the sergeant on the other door. 

('Everett goes out to hall to l. closing doors. After 
a moment he appears at the window) 

Katherine. (In a terrified whisper) Jarvis, — 
they're German papers! 

Jarvis. (In sudden alarm) They are! 

Katherine. He's taken a lot of old letters and 
he's put things among the pages. 

Jarvis. (He is below chair r. of table l.) Damn 
him !— big German blunderhead ! He's got us in a 
nice mess ! What are they ? 

Katherine. (r. of him, a little above) They're 
in German. Some of it's like a diary. A lot of 
them are about things that happened at the em- 
bassy — callers and conversations. 

Jarvis. My God — Katherine — burn thern! If 
they get them now, we won't have a chance in the 



90 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

world! (He turns down distractedly, then back to 
her) 

Katherine. (Still r. of him, facing him) No — 
if the Government wants them, you've got to give 
them up. They're valuable— they're full of names 
of people — spies and agents. 

Jarvis. Don't you see, Katherine, I can't give 
them up now. They've got this cipher message 
sending German agents here to get them from my 
mother. We could never prove now that we weren't 
in it! 

Katherine. Why didn't you tell me the truth? 
Why did you say that they were your mother's 
letters ? 

Jarvis. I didn't know that they weren't. She'd 
been writing silly stuff to von Feiffen, and I was 
trying to get a chance to go through them some- 
where and see what they were. These people were 
right on my heels and all I could do was pass them 
to you. (Katherine looks at him incredulously ) 
Don't you believe me ? Katherine ! 

Katherine. Well — you acted so — guilty, and 
you said you were doing it to save your mother. 

Jarvis. I was — I was ! Don't you believe me ? 

Katherine. I don't know what to believe. 

Jarvis. Oh, it doesn't matter what you believe 
now. (Regretfully) I've gotten you into it as bad 
as I am. If they find you've got them, they'll say 
you did it to protect me — just as I did it to protect 
my mother. You must get them out of the way ! 
Then we'll all be safe. If they don't find them, 
they've got no case against any of us. 

Katherine. Oh, if you had only told the truth 
in the beginning, you'd have saved all this trouble. 
(With a move up as if to go) 

Jarvis. (Drawing her back) Oh, Katherine — 
please — please! You can get yourself out of it — 
you can get us all out of it! 




PAUL DOUCET 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 91 

Katherine. No — no! (The hall door opens 
and Everett comes in) 

Everett. (To r.c.J Well, Katherine, time's up. 

Katherine. (In painful hesitation — going up to 
him l. of him) Captain Everett — I — I 

Everett. Yes ? 

Katherine. Oh, I can't — I can't! 

Everett. (Patting her on the shoulder) Never 
mind — you have your breakfast now and we'll talk 
things over when we're all feeling better. Go on, 
Jarvis. (At door to Jack ) Jack, you and the 
sergeant take Jarvis here in to breakfast. (Exeunt 
Katherine and Jarvis R.3 — Katherine goes first. 
Everett to c. door looks off r., then l., then closes 
the doors and goes to r. of express box up l. and 
leaning against it takes out cigarette case. As he 
draws out a cigarette he says — ) Well, what did 
you get ? (No reply is audible. After he lights his 
cigarette he speaks again) Where are they? 
(Again there seems to be no reply. Again he speaks 
— after an interval) Yes — that's probable. (He 
goes up stage and throws open doors to hall. Exit 
to hall to r. Enter R.3, Janet running on, followed 
by Victor J 

Janet. (In laughing protest as she comes) Oh, 
no — no! 

Victor. But yes, Mademoiselle! 

Janet. (Pausing c. and turning to him) But 
— I've only known you two days 

Victor. (In hurt surprise) But it is war time, 
Mademoiselle ! 

Janet. That doesn't make any difference 

about (She goes to chair below table l. and 

sits facing r.) 

Victor. (Following her) Ah, yes, but it does! 
When there is war one cannot be slow to fall in 
love. A man must take quick his happiness or he 
will lose it forever. He may not have but a few 



92 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

days to love. But you, Mademoiselle, I should 
adore you the first time I look in your eyes — if there 
was no war. There is nothing more to know about 
me — I am very quick to see t'rough me. (He is 
standing beside her, as he speaks, r. of table) 

Janet. But wait — wait a little while 

Victor. ( Sitting r. of table ) Wait! — How long 
must I wait then? — until I go back to the front 
and then come again ? I may not be the same man. 
I may not be very good to look at. Now I have 
been hit here and here and somewhere here. (In- 
dicating his shoulder, thigh and forearm) But sup- 
pose it get it in the face — suppose I can no longer 
look at you and you turn your eyes away at the 
sight of me, then you will be sorry you did not be 
loved by me now. 

Janet. (Rising, laughing and embarrassed ) Oh, 
but I must think about it — think it over a little, you 
know. (Crossing to about c.) 

Victor. (Rising, folloiving to l. of her) Oh, 
don't think about it, Shanet, — love about it! That 
is what you should do. Is it that I tell you I love too 
close apart ? (She turns facing r. with a little laugh. 
He goes back of her to her r. to look at her, then 
continues) Peut-etre I should say it more far to- 
get'er. 

Janet. (Laughing) No — no 

Victor. Is it that you do not like me at all? 

Janet. No — no — not that — I don't know 

Victor. If you like me now, that is all there is 
to it. In two t'ree minutes you shall love me. That 
is the way it was wit' me — I like you and then — 
two or t'ree minutes — I love you ! 

(Enter Augusta busily from hall, to r.) 

Augusta. Mr. Fontaine, your breakfast is get- 
ting cold. (She goes directly to telephone, sits back 
of table, and takes the receiver. Janet runs out c. 

tOR.) 




JANET BEECHER 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 93 

Victor. (Coming up to L. of c. door, then turn- 
ing unth a struggle between politeness to Augusta 
and his wish to folloxv Janet,) Oh, t'ank you, 
Madame, but I have had all of it warm that I want. 
(He quickly goes out c. to r.) 

Augusta. Hello — hello, Central — give me Main, 

8460, please — yes (As she waits she turns and 

sees the box and exclaims) Why (To 'phone) 

Mr. Nutley — Mr. Oliver Cromwell Nutley, please. 
(Holding the receiver to her ear, she half rises, 
looking the box over, exclaiming to herself) Why, 
what's this? (Then quickly to 'phone) Hello — oh, 
is that you, Oliver ? Good morning ! Oh, I'm well, 
but I'm fearfully worried — well, I wish you'd come 
right over — no — it's about the war — something pro- 
German. We need you very much — I can't explain 
on the 'phone — no, I can't — yes — no — I don't know 

what — well, you see Yes, I — I was going to 

say Well, do come right over. (She hangs up 

as Charlotte comes in c. from r., her eyes as big 
as saucers) 

Charlotte. Why golly days! — wha' — wha' — 
wha' — are all dese yere trifles doin' hea'? 

Augusta. I don't know, Charlotte. When did 
they come? 

Charlotte. Why, Miss Augusta, ma'am, I don' 
kno' no mo' 'n a orphan 'sylum. Is dose dere your 
t'ings — done up in a ornery gunny sack? (Indi- 
cating the barrel) 

Augusta. (Looking at label on box) No, in- 
deed they're not. I don't know where they came 
from. They must have been left here by mistake. 

Charlotte. It's dat ole fool nigga, Fai'fax, un- 
loadin' t'ings inter de front pa'lo'. He suttenly is 
aggrafrettin'. Ef yo' don' keep yo eyes on dat black 
man ebery minute, he'll make a house look like an 
automobile ga'bage. (She hurries out R.3J 

Augusta. (Puzzling over the label) There's no 



94 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

name on these things (Turning as Pryor en- 
ters from r. of hall) John, these aren't ours. 

Pryor. (With somewhat exaggerated surprise) 
They're not? 

Augusta. And what are they doing in here any- 



way 



Pryor. (Coming down to table l. for a match 
and lighting his cigar) Why, the Captain didn't 
want them carried upstairs, and I didn't want to 
clutter up the hall 

Augusta. Well, why didn't you have them taken 
to the basement? 

Pryor. That's so — I never thought of that. 

Augusta. I think you might have called me. 
I'm supposed to be doing the housekeeping, you 
know. 

Pryor. Now what's the use of getting a palpi- 
tation over it. I'll call up the express company 
from my office and tell them to come and get them. 
Leave them alone — don't bother. 

Augusta. A lot of strange things in the parlor 
— people up all night — and spies and pro-Germans 
— and trying to strangle Mr. Nutley — we might as 
well be in Belgium! 

Pryor. What are you trying to do with Nutley 
— marry him? 

Augusta. Now, John Pryor, don't you be low ! 
Oliver Nutley is the only man I've ever met in my 
life I could respect, and he's the only man I've met 
who has any sense about this war. 

Pryor. Good Lord, Augusta! 

Augusta. Well, he's the only man that has any 
intelligent plan for ending it. 

Pryor. (In exasperation) If we've got to have 
that fellow propagandering around in the fam- 
ily (Exit to hall, going r. Augusta goes di- 
rectly to 'phone and takes the receiver) 

Augusta. Hello — Central? — please give me In- 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 95 

formation. (A pause) Information? — Will you 
please give me the Government office for the ex- 
press companies? I can't see the number — my 
glasses are up — yes, thanks. 

(Fairfax enters R.3) 

Fairfax. (Coming to r.c, well tip stage) Miss 
Augusta, I 'pologize fo' dis clutteration. I'se not 
responsible, ma'am. Mr. Pryor an' Cap'n 
Eve'tt 

Augusta. Hello — is this the express company? 
Well, you've delivered some boxes and barrels and 
things here by mistake — Pryor — 1580 — K-street — 

yes — and I don't want them left here They 

don't look at all sanitary. I want them taken away 
from here at once. Well, I don't know — I don't 
know but what they have bugs in them — yes — right 
away? Very well. (She hangs up, and rising turns 
to Fairfax ) Never mind, Fairfax, they'll be taken 
away. (Moving up to door R.3) 

(Ready door bell) 

Fairfax. (Following her) Yes, Miss Augusta, 
— thank you, ma'am. I'm relieveder. 

Augusta. (Going out R.3) Be sure to call me 
as soon as Mr. Nutley comes. 

Fairfax. Yes, Miss Augusta, I'll give it my un- 
divided intention. (Exit R.3) 

(Enter Katherine quickly from r. of hall, draw- 
ing Jack in with her, and dozvn to r. of table l.) 

Katherine. (As they come) There's no one in 
here, Jack, — come in here. (She closes the door 
and turns to him) 

Jack. What's the matter? 

Katherine. (In suppressed excitement) Jack 
— last night — Jarvis gave me that package of pa- 
pers! 

Jack. Katherine ! 



96 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Katherine. He said they were his mother's let- 
ters — he said she'd be disgraced 

Jack. He was lying to you ! 

Katherine. Yes — they weren't — I looked at 
them this morning — and they were German — writ- 
ten in German 

Jack. (Eagerly) Yes 

Katherine. Papers from the embassy. 

Jack. Have you got them still? Where are 
they? 

Katherine. Jack, they're gone ! 

Jack. Gone ! 

Katherine. I came down here and told Jarvis 
he'd have to give them up and he wouldn't, and 
while we were arguing about it some one got in the 
room and took them ! 

Jack. Who did it — do you know ? 

Katherine. No — I had my door locked — I had 
them hidden in the drawer of the bureau, and when 
I went back — just a few minutes later — they were 
gone! 

Jack. Did his mother know where they were? 

Katherine. No — nobody knew but me, and no- 
body knew I had them except Jarvis. 

Jack. I'll bet he told her. 

Katherine. No — I'm sure he never had a 
chance. Captain Everett was watching all the time. 
Besides, my door was locked. 

Jack. That looks as if some one got in from the 
outside. Are you sure they're not there? (Door 
bell is heard) Come on — let me look. (They hurry 
out at back. Fairfax from R.3 goes out to the hall 
to l. He soon ushers in Nutley ) 

Fairfax. I'll res' yo' hat, suh. (Taking it and 
leaving it on- table in hall before they enter) Make 
yo'se'f puffec'ly commodious, suh. I'll info'm Miss 
Augusta ob yo' arrival. (Exit R.3. Nutley sits 
L. of tea-table r., and takes out an important looking 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 97 

type-written manuscript. He puts on his bone- 
rimmed glasses, takes a pencil from his pocket, and 
makes some alterations in an engrossed manner. 
Enter Augusta R.3. He is so absorbed that he 
doesn't hear her) 

Augusta. (Coming to- back of tea-table) Well, 
it does me good to see a man with some concentra- 
tion. (Nutley rises) This whole place has been 
like a mad house ever since you left it. This room 
— why, Oliver, you've given it a different atmos- 
phere already. 

Nutley. (Full of his plan) Well, I've got it all 
here typewritten — I've had a stenographer working 
all night on it. 

Augusta. (Going r. of tea-table, sits at upper 
end of sofa) Oh, do tell me — you haven't been 
over- working, have you, Oliver ? 

Nutley. (Sitting again) I wouldn't be ashamed 
to lay this before General Pershing himself ! 

Augusta. Because that's just the way a man 
like you makes himself ill — when you have nobody 
to stop you. 

Nutley. I want to read this to Pryor. He 
asked me to lay it out 

Augusta. Oliver, I'm worried about you — have 
you had your breakfast? 

Nutley. Yes — yes — and I've got it laid out, 
Augusta ! 

Augusta. I love the way you say Augusta! 
You put such force into it — such feeling! 

Nutley. And I've got it laid out in such a way 
that he can't help but see it! 

Augusta. Why do you bother with John at all 
— a man of your personality. You ought to be able 
to carry this thing through yourself, instead of let- 
ting other people get the credit for it. You ought 
to take it direct to the President and just insist on 
its being done. You know I stand with you, Oliver. 



98 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Together we ought to be able to accomplish any- 
thing. 

Nutley. (Pounding the papers) If they'd fol- 
low this, Augusta, — it's just a matter of time be- 
fore we'd end the war ! 

Augusta. Now, Oliver, you've got to let me 
help you ! — and let us plan together a regular cam- 
paign. 

Nutley. You're right, I will! 

Augusta. You've got to settle down here and 
get a house — hotels are bad for you. 

Nutley. You're right ! 

Augusta. In Washington these things have to 
be done in a social way. You need to get people 
to your own house and entertain them. That's 
where I'll be a help to you. 

Nutley. Augusta, you're right — I will ! 

Augusta. Oh, Oliver, I'm so happy — you make 
me so happy ! To have something to work for — 
something worth while ! These people — they don't 
appreciate me any more than they do you, Oliver. 
I'm sure together we can do anything! (Rising 
and seizing the surprised Nutley by the hand) 

Nutley. (Rising — flabbergasted) But, Augus- 
ta — you see this plan has been so much on my mind 
— I hadn't thought of anything — except to end the 
war 

Augusta. Yes, I knew how engrossed you've 
been, Oliver, but even in war time life must go on. 
(Enter Pryor from r. of hall. Augusta drops 
Nutley's hand as she sees him — moving back a 
step) Oh, John — come in — come in — Mr. Nutley 
and I have — have come to an understanding. He 
wants me to help him with his work, and we've 
agreed to go into a partnership on it — not that our 
relations have been wholly unromantic. 

Pryor. (Coming down to l. of him) Now that's 
fine, Nutley ! I've been feeling that I wasn't the 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 99 

person to help you with this. (Reaching down and 
seising his limp hand and shaking it vigorously ) 

Nutley. (Blankly) Yes — yes 

Pryor. And I can recommend Augusta. She's 
the very one to take hold of a scheme like yours 
and talk it across. Nobody better! We'll have to 
drink to it! You know that first aid I told you 
about? — come on out and try some. (Taking him 
by the l. arm) 

Nutley. No — no, thanks — I feel a little — little 
dizzy already 

Augusta. (Gaily) Yes, come on, Oliver. (Pick- 
ing up the manuscript from the table and taking his 
r. arm) Let me carry the manuscript ! (They lead 
the dazed Nutley up c.) 

Pryor. (As they go out r. in hall) Well, I can 
tell you this about Augusta — whenever she goes 
after a thing she gets it. (Exeunt) 

(Enter from R.3, Jarvis, Katherine, then Jack. 
Jarvis is puffing at a cigarette and Jack about 
to light one. Jarvis goes to r. of table l., 
Katherine to l.c. Jack to c.) 

Jack. I simply want to let you know, Jarvis, 
that Katherine has told me you gave her the pack- 
age last night and she went through it and found it 
was a lot of stuff the Huns would give you an iron 
cross for hiding. 

Jarvis. Katherine, did you do that? 

Katherine. (Sitting l. of tea-table) Yes 

Jarvis. (Flinging his cigarette away, and cross- 
ing to sofa r., sits at lower end, facing up) All 
right — that ends it ! It finishes me and it finishes 
my mother. I suppose they'll let you off as an in- 
former in the case. 

Katherine. I don't care — I don't care what 
happens to me. 

Jarvis. (Bitterly) No — you can be perfectly 



ioo "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

easy in your mind. You've ditched the rest of us, 
but that needn't worry you. 

Jack. (c. to Katherine,) He evidently doesn't 
know. 

Jarvis. Doesn't know what? 

Jack. The stuff has disappeared again. 

Katherine. No 

Jarvis. Disappeared ! 

Jack. Did you tell your mother that Katherine 
had it? 

Jarvis. No, I did not, and you can just leave 
my mother out of this. She hasn't had anything 
to do with this from the start. 

Jack. Well, then the Germans have got it. The 
fellows that broke in at Hilltop have evidently 
climbed in upstairs. I wondered when none of 
them turned up here last night. 

Jarvis. (Eagerly — rising) Does Everett know? 

Jack. No — not yet. 

Jarvis. (Crossing to r. of table l.) Well, there 
you are ! What are you all worrying about ? It's 
gone and nobody's hurt and that's all there is to it ! 

Jack. (To l.c.J What do you mean — that's all 
there is to it? 

Jarvis. Why, you're not going to tell Everett 
now that it's all over? It can't do the Government 
any good now — they can't get the information that 
was in the papers — if there was any. 

Jack. No, but 

Jarvis. No, but nothing! I told Everett that it 
was a package of my mother's letters and that I'd 
destroyed them. They're gone and that lets us all 
out. Katherine needn't be involved in it at all nor 
my mother, and Everett doesn't have to know thar 
they were German papers. 

Katherine. (Quickly, rising) No — we've got 
to tell the truth ! 

Jarvis. Now look here, Jack, you know that's 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 101 

nothing but talk. The truth won't do the Govern- 
ment a bit of good and it'll do us all harm. If I 
were guilty, you might hold it against me, but I got 
into this thing as innocently as she did. 

Jack. You can talk till your teeth drop out — 
I've got to tell Everett the whole story and you 
know it. (Turning up c.) 

Jarvis. Oh, he's fond of you, is he, Katherine? 
Yes — he isn't going to do a thing but mess you all 
up in this business. Here we are with the whole 
thing settled and he 

Katherine. If he doesn't tell Captain Everett, 
I will! (Crossing to Jarvis J 

Jarvis. Katherine, I thought you cared enough 
for me to — why, we were 

Katherine. (Deeply moved) No — not any 
more ! I can't 

Jarvis. I knew it — I knew it! He's worked 
this whole thing on me from the ring down ! 

Jack. (Turning down to them quickly exclaim- 
ing) Why you 

Katherine. (Checking him) Jack — please! 
(Then to JarvisJ No — you did it yourself. I 
didn't realize when I took the ring why I wanted 
to wear it so much. (Holding out her hand to 
Jack,) 

Jack. (r. of her, eagerly taking it) Oh, Kath- 
erine ! ( Jarvis with a gesture of despair moves 
away in front to table to window ~l.) 

(Enter Everett from r. of hall) 

Katherine. (Going up to l. of him) Captain 
Everett, Jarvis gave me that package of papers. I 
hid it in my room all night and this morning it was 
stolen. 

Everett. I see — I see — Katherine, will you tell 
Mrs. Russell to come here? ("Katherine looks at 
him in perplexity, then goes out to hall to r.) 



102 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Jack. (Up l.c.) Katherine thought they were 
his mother's letters. 

Jarvis. (Turning at window) I thought they 
were myself. All I wanted was a chance to go 
through them. If I'd found they were German, 
I'd have given them up to you. 

Everett. (r.cJ Well, they were German, 
weren't they? 

Jack. Katherine read them and told him they 
were. 

Everett. (To JarvisJ And you didn't give 
them up. You tried to persuade her to destroy 
them. 

Jarvis. (Coming to lower end of table) Well — 
I'd lost my nerve — having you ballyragging at me 
all night. I couldn't explain. I thought it was too 
late. 

Everett. There's worse than ballyragging com- 
ing to you. Sit down there. (Jarvis drops in chair 
r. of table l. Enter Mrs. Russell c. from r. still 
defiant, followed by Katherine and Pryor. Mrs. 
R. goes directly to c. Katherine sits on sofa, go- 
ing to it r. of tea-table. Jack stands at upper end 
and Pryor goes to back of tea-table) Margaret, 
you and your son have got me into a position now 
where there's nothing for me to do but turn you 
over to the Department of Justice. 

Jarvis. All right, Mother, let them turn us 
over. The letters are gone and let them do what 
they like. 

Mrs. Russell. (Frantically crossing to Jarvis 
down l., pausing above him) Gone! Where are 
they? Who got them? 

Jarvis. It's all right, Mother, they weren't your 
letters at all. 

Mrs. Russell. Not my letters? — how do you 
know? — are you sure? 




SHELLEY HULL 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 103 

Jarvis. Katherine went through them. They 
were a lot of German dope and the Germans got 
away with them. 

Mrs. Russell. (With a look to her) Kath- 
erine ! 

Everett. (Sternly) Yes, — now listen to me. 
This man, von Feiffen, gave you a lot of photo- 
graphs and personal letters that he said he wanted 
to keep for sentimental reasons, and on top of them 
he deliberately put a letter in your mother's hand- 
writing, Jarvis, so as to make you believe that some 
of them were letters from her. He set this very 
trap for you into which you fell. 

Jarvis. I don't believe it ! 

Everett. No — but you will. 

Pryor. I never knew anyone yet that got mixed 
up in a friendly way with one of these Prussian 
scabs that he didn't find he'd been swindled. 

Mrs. Russell. (Indignantly) Baron von Feif- 
fen 

Everett. (He speaks not loudly but weightily, in 
intense indignation) Baron von Feiffen was the 
most secret and special agent that the German Great 
General Staff had in America. 

Jarvis. He's trying to scare us — he's trying to 
bluff us 

Everett, (r.c, drazving two or three ordinary 
envelopes and some letters from his inside pocket) 
These Prussian plotters are a strange study in psy- 
chology. They'll do things so secretly that their 
Gott himself couldn't trace it to them, and then 
they'll sit down and make a report on it as methodi- 
cal as a bookkeeper. Now here's a record that this 
fellow made of an order he got late in May, 1918, 
directing him to open what were practically war ac- 
counts in half a dozen German-American banks. 
That was nearly two months before the Austrian 
assassination that gave his General Staff an excuse 
for declaring war. 



104 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Pryor. (Excitedly r., still back of tea-table) 
What ! — You don't mean it ! 

Jarvis. (With a change) Is that true? Is that 
there ? 

Everett. Yes. He plotted against you and he 
plotted against your country as if you were the 
worst enemies he had. 

Mrs. Russell. Oh, I can't believe it! 

Everett. (Turning r. and placing papers on tea- 
table as he ends speech) He puts it all down here, 
page after page like a diary, and when we gave him 
his passports home he was afraid to take it through 
the British lines and he was afraid to trust it to 
any of his people here, so he plays you for a pair 
of gulls, and tricks you into hiding it for him. Now 
if you think you can go before a court and prove 
that you are innocent, how are you going to do it? 

Pryor. (Taking the papers and looking them 
over with Jack) Well, I'll be jiggered! 

Jack. Isn't that the goods ! 

Mrs. Russell. (Collapsing completely to chair 
r. of table l.) Frank — we're innocent — you know 
we're innocent! 

Everett. No, I don't. You've been against this 
war and you've held your son out of it. 

Mrs. Russell. I didn't — I didn't! 

Everett. And he's been the tool of his pro-Ger- 
man senator and played the German game. 

Mrs. Russell. No — no! We didn't know, 
Frank — we trusted him. (Rising) 

Jarvis. (Very pale and determined, turning 
front, as he stands below table l.) All right — go as 
far as you like, but if you put me in jail with one 
of that gang, I'll strangle him in the night. 

Pryor. Well, you begin to talk like a human be- 
ing once more ! 

Mrs. Russell. (Going to Everett and clinging 
to him) Frank, don't do it — you can't do it! He 
deceived us more than he did anybody ! Jarvis did 



"WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 105 

it for me — I was frightened — my letters — I wasn't 
thinking about the war. 

Pryor. (Still back of tea table) She wasn't 
thinking of the war ! What's the use of people like 
us spending millions of dollars advertising it. 

Everett. Have you any more of this stuff? 

Mrs. Russell. No — no — I never had it! 

Everett. (To JarvisJ Have you? 

Jarvis. (Still below table l.) I wish I had! I 
wish I had enough to hang them all ! 

Mrs. Russell. Frank — we've been foolish but 
we haven't been guilty ! You can't — you won't 

Pryor. Captain, how in hell — I beg your pardon 
— how did you get this ? 

Everett. Oh, I found it through a friend of 
ours. 

(Warn Curtain) 

Jarvis. (To l. of Mrs. R., r. of table h.) Well, 
what do you want us to do ? 

Everett. (To Mrs. Russell,) There's only one 
thing you can do to save yourself with me. You've 
got to stop talking against the war. (To Jarvis ) 
And you've got to enlist. 

Jarvis. That doesn't worry me. I'll enlist fast 
enough. I'd just as soon fight Germans as fight all 
you people ! 

Mrs. Russell. Well, Jarvis, we've been wrong, 
and we might as well admit it, but they can't say 
we haven't had the courage of our convictions. And 
I don't care, I'm proud of you, Jar. At least, you 
haven't been a quitter. 

Jarvis. All right, Mother, you leave it to me. 
If I meet von Feiffen on the other side, I'll say 
what I've got to say to him ! 

(Enter from r. of hall, Augusta with two Express- 
men back of her. They come in quickly and 
go directly to express case up l.) 



106 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Augusta. Captain, I'm sorry to interrupt you 
but the expressmen have come for these things. I 
want them taken out of here. I'm afraid there 
might be something in them, f Nutley has followed 
and pauses tip r. of Augusta J 

Everett. Well, there is. (The men have tipped 
the case and raised it to carry it out, and as they 
straighten up with it, one of them exclaims in fright) 

Moore. My God — there's a man in it! (They 
drop the barrel with a thud. Enter, running on R.3, 
Janet and Victor,) 

Everybody. (But Pryor and Everett j What ! 
A man! 

Augusta. (Up stage c.) Oliver — It's a pro- 
German! (Turning to him for protection) 

Victor. (Up r. with Janet ) ItisaBoche! 

Everett. (r.cJ No — it's that friend of ours. 
I thought this was a place where all of us fellers 
needed one. 

CURTAIN 



MARCHING TO BERLIN 
By Oliver Herford. Music by R. Hugo. 

We come from God's own country, in the ships of 

Uncle Sam. 
We're going to get the William goat of Kaiser 

Will-i-am. 
We know it is verboten, but we do not give a damn, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
We're from the dear old U. S. A., the land of Liberty; 
We've crossed a hundred rivers, three thousand miles 

of sea, 
To teach the Huns a thing or two about Democracy, 
As we go marching to Berlin! 

Hurray! Hurray! We'll wave the Stripes and 
Stars! 

Away, away with Emperors and Czars! 

And when we get the Kaiser we'll put him be- 
hind the bars. 

As we go marching to Berlin! 

Berlin! Berlin! We're marching to Berlin! 

We're in! We're in! We're in the war to win! 

There'll be a hot time coming to the Kaiser and 
his kin 

When we go marching to Berlin! 

We've left our happy homes that we may help to win 

the war. 
We're a millon strong already and there'll soon be mil- 
lions more; 
And when the job is done, with Kaiser Bill we'll mop 
the floor, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
107 



108 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 

Our battle-cry is Freedom, and we'll show the Prussian 

swine 
That Freedom, good old Freedom, is the only Right 

Divine; 
And when we catch old Kaiser Bill we'll pitch him in 

the Rhine, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 

Hurray ! Hurray ! We're going to make it hot 

For Hindenburg and all the bloody lot; 

And when we catch the Kaiser we'll present him 

to his Gott, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
Berlin! Berlin! We're marching to Berlin! 
We're in! We're in! We're in the war to win! 
There'll be a hot time coming to the Kaiser and 

his kin 

When we go marching to Berlinl 




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